I've only got one thing to say to the HP computer empire. FUCK YOU!

For the second time now I've been fucked by HP and their shitty product. The next time something like this happens, I'm going postal.

The incident went down like this: I brought the said machine back to Auburn over the Thanksgiving holidays to finish up a paper that I was writing. That was all fine and good until I got it back to Montevallo. Yesterday afternoon, I hooked up the computer and everything seemed to be working normally except for the monitor. I turned the moniter on, and it displayed the message: "Going to Sleep". It'd be one thing if it had said something like "Shutting Down" or "Turning off", or even if it had just spooged in my eye. But as a direct insult to me it said "Going to Sleep". I applied the classic yelling at the screen while violently flipping to power on and off technique, as I tend to do in these situations. After this yielded no positive results, I went on to step two: unstoppable murderous blood rage. The rage only grew when I looked out the window in order to see something other than a black screen, only to see two squirrels mating on the branch of the lage Oak stationed near my window. I picked up the first thing I saw which was a large metal three-hole puncher. I threw it as hard as I could, missing the varmits by mere inches. Regardless of the proximity, the squirrels disbanded and scampered off to create their little problems someplace else.

I felt a little better after this, and decided to call HP's wonderful tech support people. For those of you who don't understand sarcasm, when I say "wonderful" I really mean "not worth the bullet to shoot them with". In case you didn't know, Hewlett-Packard is located in Palo Alto, California. Their tech support however, for some strange and fucked up reason which is beyond me and beyond all human logic, is located in Islamabad, Pakistan. That means that when you call HP's tech support, the people you're talking to sound the way Apu from The Simpsons would sound if he had Down's Syndrome, was mortally wounded by an arrow to the head, had cotton in his mouth, and was speaking through a megaphone. The guy that I finally got after listening to adult contemporary for about 10 minutes made me open the computer up and remove a bunch of shit, then put it back. At one point, he told me to look for a battery. He said that it was big and round and it looked like a watch battery. The only problem with this is that there are about 200 little things inside that thing that look like a watch battery. When I brought this to his attention, he replied, "take your time, sir". I wanted to kill him, I really did. In the process of doing all of this stuff which was doing NOTHING to remedy the original situation, I broke something inside the damn thing and now it's even more fucked up than it was when I called that asshat.

In the end, he told me that he was sending me a box and that I should put the computer tower in it and send it to Palo Alto and that they would fix it. I'm seriously considering just putting a family of rabid wolverines in that box and letting them raise hell in the HP headquarters. Just knowing that those people died slowly of lockjaw and acute insanity eating away at their brains would almost be better than having a computer. Unfortunately, I probably won't, and I'm at the disposition that 9 out of 10 people in the country are in, and that's the fact that no one knows shit about computers. Therefore, no matter how many times computer companies fuck us in the ass, we always come back for more. Fuck HP, that's all I can say.

Anyway, long story short, my computer is fucked up, so don't be expecting any posts until Christmas break. I know it's sad, but I think you all can do without me for a couple of weeks. At least you've got Chandler, Matt, Richard, Sean, and especially Miles to entertain you during your stay in cyberspace.

Okay, that's all for me. Good Buy.

I'm sure that everyone has heard about this by now, but just in case you haven't, here's what happened:

As Conor and I rolled down street Friday night, we decided to go to Wal-Mart for some food. All of a sudden while passing the Goo Goo carwash, a car whipped out in front of us. I tried to swerve into the left lane to avoid him, but, alas, it was too little too late.



The other car struck my vehicle with just enough force to fuck it up completely. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to make the wreck very radical. I had always assumed that my first real full-on car crash would be more epic than what it was.



That's it. There was a little two or three foot post-impact power slide. That's all. It was very upsetting. To compensate for my disappointment, I told quite a few people that we flipped over into a ditch. It wasn't true. Sorry.

After the crash myself and the other driver pulled into the nearby Dyas Toyota car lot. Expecting the worst, I pulled out my 9 and walked over to the other car. To my surprise, I knew the other driver all too well. I won't say his name for the sake on anonymity, but it begins with "J" and ends with "Osh Taylor". Surprisingly, neither of us was extremely angered by the situation. This begged the question as to whether or not we were both GELLIN', which, of course, we were.

We called 911 got the whole situation worked out, and now I'm gonna be driving this bad boy for the next month or so:



(While I was looking for a picture of the Honda Odyssey just now, I found this picture of my MINI-VAN with a fuckin' body kit on it. When will the madness stop? I'm serious. The Fast and the Furious was a shitty movie, and you are dumb if you do this to your car)

I'm rollin' (up to 8 passengers) deep in the '97 Honda Odyssey!

So, that was the basics of what happened. I'm not pissed about the wreck itself, just that I have to wait a month or more to get my car fixed. It was about time for something to happen to that car, it was too good anyway.



Later that night, Sean and I hit up Bruno's



Sean invested in the most spectacular sandwich know to humankind, "The Manhandler"; and manhandle him it did. Seaner was barely able to finish that beast of a sandwich.

So, that was the gist of my weekend: car crash and sandwich.







You know we might not have much here in Montevallo, but I'll be damned if we don't have have some awesome sunsets (thanks, pollution from Birmingham) and some crazy assshavers.

One last thing:



It's fucking legit.

A Quick Observation Before Bedtime

You know, I'm pretty happy with my life right now, and I'm pretty sure that I'm in good mental health. I say this because no more than a minute ago I witnessed something that made me question this like it's never been questioned before.

As I stepped into the bathroom to brush my teeth before bed just now, I saw something that I thought I'd never see. Two gentlemen were stationed three sinks down from me. One had a razor in his hand. The other was facing the mirror with no pants on. The first guy was kneeling behind the second and he was SHAVING HIS ASS. This I swear on my life. I couldn't make this up. I'm too tired to make shit like this up. I would have a picture to prove it, but I don't think the pair would've taken too kindly to this.

I finally realized what college is all about. It's not about education, oh no. It's one big psychological test. If you can still be a normal person after witnessing a man shaving another man's ass, you get the degree of your choice. It's that simple. Personally, I don't think I can pass that test, so I've decided to become a heroin addict. Does anyone know where I can get some smack? Please.

Since the Defeat of Common Sense and His Liberal Allies in Congress...

I'm still VERY bummed about how my government is going to continue its policy of shitting on my face for at least the next four years.

I've been reading a lot of blogs during the course of the day. I think this excerpt from this one says it the best. (Warning, this IS NOT a feel good message):

"The Republicans have an even stronger congressional majority. They have shown how gladly ruthless they can be in using their power. Bush and his allies have never believed in compromise. They have even less incentive to govern from the middle now, even though the nation remains bitterly divided.
There's no secret about what's coming. We don't have that excuse this time.

Here comes more fiscal recklessness -- as we widen the chasm between the ultra-wealthy and everyone else, cementing a plutocracy into our national fiber, we'll pay our national bills on the Treasury Bill credit card for the next few years. Many economists expect a Brazil-like financial crisis to hit the U.S. before the end of the decade. If we muddle our way though the near term, we'll still have left our kids with the bill.

Here comes an expansion of the American empire abroad, a fueling of fear and loathing elsewhere on the globe. This is also unsustainable in the end. Empire breeds disrespect.

Our civil liberties will shrink drastically. This president and his top allies in Congress fully support just one amendment in the Bill of Rights, the Second Amendment's right to bear arms. Say goodbye to abortion rights in most states. Roe v. Wade will fall after this president pushes three or four Scalia and Thomas legal clones onto the Supreme Court. Say hello, meanwhile, to a much more intrusive blending of church and state.

The environment? We'll be nostalgic for Ronald Reagan's time in office.

This is not sour grapes. This is reality.

I hope, but doubt, that the Democrats re-discover enough of their collective spine to block the most extreme moves. If they do it'll be a change for a party that stands for so little these days.

People say there are two Americas. I think there are at least three.

One is Bush's America: an amalgam of the extreme Christian "conservatives," corporate interests and the builders of the burgeoning national-security state.

Another is the Democratic "left": wedded to the old, discredited politics in a time that demands creative thinking.

I suspect there's a third America: members of an increasingly radical middle that will become more obvious in the next few years, tolerant of those who are different and aware that the big problems of our times are being ignored -- or made worse -- by those in power today.

That third America needs a candidate. Or, maybe, a new party"

I feel like I'm going to throw up. I'll leave you with an awesome Lewis Black quote that I just heard on The Daily Show

"On Tuesday Americans made their voices heard. I won't imitate those voices out of respect for the mentally retarded."

Fuckin' A Lew, Fuckin' A.

It seems that, as of 12:37 AM CST, George W. Bush will be re-elected to a second term as der fuhrer of the United States of America.

If nothing else, at least Barack Obama beat the shit out of Alan Keyes in Illinois (70% to 24%). Way to go, Barack!

I say: Obama For President 2008

This is officially the stupidest thing that I've ever seen. If you don't want to support Teresa Heinz Kerry, you can buy Hunt's ketchup. It's not that difficult. Granted, Hunt's is a lot shittier than Heinz, but it's very simple to obtain. While your hot dogs and burgers are grilling, and your freedom fries are in the Fry Daddy, you can run to Kroger and pick some up.

OR you can order this novelty ketchup off of the internet and wait a few weeks for it to arrive. Once you get it, you might notice the pictures of George Washington, as well as that of two firefighters at Ground Zero in New York. I guess there is a huge demand for ketchup that reminds everyone of the Whiskey Rebellion AND the death of 3,000 people. They say that depressing thoughts make food taste GREAT.

Seriously, who is buying this shit? No one should be. If you are, you deserve to be shot with a nail gun.

This weekend certainly lived up to its potential, except for the part where I got an ulcer on the cornea of my eye, but I'll get to that later. This weekend was not only Halloween weekend, but also Syrup Soppin weekend in 'Poka.



This means that for an entire day Highway 14 begins to look like the road to Bonnaroo. Minus the doped-up hippies peeing on the side of the road, of course, but it was close.



On my way into the Syrup Soppin' Festival, I passed by this roaming gang of Kerry sign-wielding merry pranksters. Check out Miles' new sword. Cool huh? No? Oh, okay.



Let the Soppin' begin!



Burgeoning entrepreneur R.C. had a booth at the Syrup Soppin' where he sold his hemp and wood products, as well as various arts and crafts items that he bought in "Mexico" also known as "Pier 1" and "Wal-Mart". R.C. is a genius for exploiting the fact that people will buy anything if they think it's "exotic" in any way. Way to go R.C.!

BIG NEWS: I have no idea how, but PRESTON IS BACK. As you may know, after attending a recent String Cheese Incident concert in Asheville, North Carolina, Preston made the decision to stay behind while the rest of his group made their way back to Auburn.



That was over a week ago. Somehow, Preston got back to Auburn.



Three hundred and sixteen miles! How? How did he get back? It's amazing. Preston is a living breathing mystery. Anyway, he's alive. Welcome back buddy!

I hung around R.C.'s booth for awhile, then decided my time at the Sop was done. I grabbed a Kerry/Edwards yard sign, and began to walk back to my car. As I walked, I heard a sweet old lady scream out "Go Bush, Go!".

The conversation, if you can call it that, went like this:

Her: Go Bush, Go!
Me: Why?
Her: Why Not?
Me: Well, if you don't like your job or any civil liberties, then go ahead.

Them, it happened, she said "Fuck You!" Imagine that, an old lady said "Fuck You" to me. It was a high point in my life faux schizzle.

After my little run-in with the She-Hitler of the geriatric population of "Bush Country", I went back into town in order to think about putting together my Halloween costume for the festivities of the upcoming evening. After a couple of hours I decided to dress up as Buckethead.



I figured that this would be the easiest costume in the world to assemble. As it turns out, it wasn't. The problem is that there were no Michael Myers masks ANYWHERE in Auburn. The thing is, I'd be one thing if the name of the movie wasn't HALLOWEEN, but it fucking is, so that shit's inexcusable. Also, I thought I had a wig at my house. It turns out I don't. Well, I got the bucket ($.27) and some white and black face paint ($1.08) from The Dollar Tree, and did the best I could for the time frame I was given and for a budget such as mine.



The results were mixed, but who cares? At least I did something for Halloween.



The only other people that were dressed up the whole night were Jack and Trent. I think Viviana was dressed up but I saw it not.

At some point my face started itching so, instead of dealing with a bunch of shitty make-up for the rest of the night, I went to the bathroom and wiped it off.



The results were quite hilarious if I do say so myself.



Miles clutching Jack's new kitten, "Achilles". I think this is my favorite picture that I've ever taken.





That cat was awesome, by the way.

After the party came to a close, I dropped off Richard, Conor, and other selected members of the Cary Woods crew.



On my way out of Cary Woods, I saw some deer in somebody's yard. I sure could've used a gun at that moment. That would've been a lot of awesome meat. But, alas, I'm lacking a firearm at the moment. Tisk, tisk.

Well, the night ended and I went home.

Yesterday morning, my eye felt a little irritated, like there was an eyelash stuck on my eyeball or something. After washing my eye out in the shower I realized that something in my eye was fucked up. I determined that when I was putting on the Buckethead make-up I must've scratched my cornea. I took out my contacts and went about my day, but by the time I returned home last night to go to sleep, I was in horrible pain.



I went to bed with one crackhead eye.

This morning I decided that I had to go see the doctor. As it turns out the initial scratch was infected and had become an ulcer. I HAVE AN ULCER ON MY EYE! How bad does that suck?

I got some antibiotics and other stuff, but it's still really not fun.





It's gotten a little bit better today since I got the medicine, but not by much.

This sucks.

Coming Soon: Weenday