Monday, February 28, 2005

 

Who Will Rise Up?



Over the weekend, a few of my confidants and myself were situated in Caroline's family prayer room. At one point, someone handed me a book:


(Click on the Picture to Read The Whole Thing)

This book has changed my life. Brother George E. "Jed" Smock is an ex-"rock 'n roll hippie freak" turned "Confrontational Evangelist". That means he gains followers by standing in public areas of college campuses and calling people "Sodomites", "whores", and "perverts". Attracted by his rantings and ravings... um, people listen to him?

Anyway, Jed is a very caring, tolerant, and understanding man as you can probably tell from his above photo. I've collected some of my favorite passages from this book. I realize that this is a bit wordy, but I encourage everyone to read this stuff. Maybe it'll change your life like it did mine.

Also, anyone accusing me of making this shit up, or taking it too far out of context, read the full text of the book here.

Now, Phoenix Rivers proudly presents:

Excerpts from Who Will Rise Up?

Jed Performs His First Miracle:

"I had attended the concert the year before with a wine bottle in one hand, a joint of marijuana in the other and my head filled with LSD--my hair flowing over my shoulders blending with a big, bushy beard. Half-naked, I danced myself into a frenzy. But a year had passed and I returned, saved and filled with the Holy Spirit, clean shaven, hair cut, wearing a coat and tie--fully clothed and in my right mind.

The concert's chief attraction was the Doobie Brothers. (They are not brothers, and their last name is not Doobie.) A doobie is a joint of marijuana.

The Doobies finished their set with a song that was popular in the early 70's, "Jesus Is Just All Right With Me." The crowd danced wildly and sang along. There was an intermission when the group left the platform. This was my cue.

I jumped on to the stage, grabbed the microphone and proclaimed, "Jesus is just all right." Pointing toward heaven, I declared, "That means He is all righteousness," and whirling my finger over the crowd, "but ye are all unrighteous," I accused.

The crowd objected, "What do you mean, man, we are the beautiful people?"

I preached my first salvation message to the stunned crowd for 10 minutes. God prevented security from interfering. When I leaped from the platform, a young man shook my hand and said, "While you were preaching, I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ.""

Jed on the Woman's Place

God designed men to be the leaders and women to be their helpers. This should not anger the Christian woman because Jesus taught us all to take the attitude of a servant. But the women of this generation are selfish and they have been duped by the women libbers, many of whom are lesbians.

These contentious women try to convince others that they will be more fulfilled with their own career rather than being a good wife, mother and homemaker. They suggest a constant nine to five job for a cocktail-sipping executive would provide more joy than serving a God-fearing husband!

Many are asking: "Why be bored training and teaching your own children and watching them grow when you can drop them at the nursery? They will do all the work and you only have to see your little ones on the weekends."

The role of homemaker is belittled and made to look as though only a dumb, dull woman would want such a task. On the contrary, it takes great wisdom and intelligence to be a good wife and mother. It is a most honorable calling and the rewards are great for those who do well.

After Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden, God said to her, ". . . thy desire shall be unto thy husband and he shall rule over you" (Genesis 3:16).

I often say on campus that no matter how much she denies or fights it, every woman has a God-given desire to marry and bare children for a man who will lovingly rule over her.

After Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden, God saw that women are more emotional beings and are more prone to be deceived by their sensibilities, they need the leadership of men who are governed by reason. As I have already mentioned, this is affirmed in the New Testament: "Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church" (Ephesians 5:22-23).

Despite her weakness the woman has had the honor bestowed upon her that can never be given any other creature of all God's creation. Independent of man, she had the exalted privilege of being the human instrumentality through whom Jesus Christ, God's only begotten Son, was born into the world."

Jed on the Appropriate Appearance of Women:

"Many girls walk around campus braless and, on numerous occasions to the delight of the boys, they have flashed their bare breasts toward me. No wonder there are so many rapes on college campuses. Those girls walking and jogging around campus with their shorts so short that their buttocks hang out are just asking for it. They might as well have a sign on their back saying, "Rape me, rape me, rape me."


"Regrettably, many girls in their shorts and halter tops even claim to be Christians. When they change their shorts, they put on their tight designer jeans. What are designer jeans designed for? Obviously for sex appeal. No woman professing to godliness would want to wear clothing that accentuates the curves of her body. When a man of God delivers this message many of the women get very contentious. They don't want a preacher telling them how they should dress, yet they will let some limp-wrist fairy, clothing designer in New York or Paris determine their dress code."


"Men and women are to talk, walk, look and dress differently. The unisex look leads to confusion which often results in perversion. When a generation of mothers put on the trousers and cropped their hair, it paved the way for the long-haired hippies and Tiny Tims of the sixties right through to the skirt-wearing Boy Georges of the eighties and feminine-voiced Michael Jacksons of the nineties."

Jed on Sex:

"College campuses are becoming so wicked that I don't see how a professional whore could make a living in a college town, since there are so many strumpets, slatterns and trollops in the dorms giving it away. In addition there are more hussies, tarts and vixens in the sorority houses."

Jed on Masturbation:

"Lust is unlawful sexual intentions. Masturbation is one of the first expressions of lust. Your masturbator of today is very likely to be your homosexual of tomorrow. Your homosexual of tomorrow could be your psychology professor of the next day. In fact, universities are graduating more queers than Ph.D's."

Jed on Homosexuality:

"For the glory of God, our nation and our posterity we are compelled to attack this issue head-on. At the University of Wisconsin in the fall of 1983 we held two anti-homosexual seminars which turned the campus upside down. Sodomite men packed into the front rows of the meeting room flaunting their sin without shame. Some even kissed on the lips. I projected the Bible verses on a large screen so they could read God's condemnation of such abominable practices."


"The cursed AIDS disease is a natural consequence of such perverted behavior. It is nature's severe way of telling people they are doing things for which they were never designed. The fact that innocent babies have suffered with AIDS disease should tell us that we cannot sit back and ignore such sins against God and nature. If we do, we will suffer."


"A favorite trick of homosexuals is to get young men drunk and seduce them. Marijuana and other drugs will also produce the same results."

Jed on Sex Education:

"Typically, these sex educators are a product of the sexual revolution of the sixties. They are determined to keep the revolution alive. They are not out to promote morality but to break down any remaining restraints or traditional values that might remain in the student body. They hate the very idea of abstinence before marriage. Indeed, they hate the traditional idea of marriage and children."

Jed on LSD and Dr. Timmothy Leary:

"Medical science teaches that one hallucinates under L.S.D.; that is, they see things that are not there. However, medical science does not understand the spiritual dimension of an L.S.D. trip. Leary taught that one sees things that are there; only they are not in the material, physical world, but the spiritual. Leary was a sorcerer.

One of the primary tools of a sorcerer is L.S.D. and other mind-altering drugs. In some inexplicable way L.S.D. enables the user to be transferred (trip) from the natural, physical plane to the supernatural, spiritual plane. As a result of my L.S.D. experiments I became more spiritually minded and actually believed I was getting closer to God. I did not understand that the spiritual world I had contacted was evil. The Bible revealed to me a cosmos made up of God and his host of angels and the devil and his host of demons. When the Spirit of God opened my mind with the tool of his WORD, I renounced the devil and his demons."

Jed's Disco Invasion:

"Mike Denigan was attending my revival meeting in Florence, Kentucky, when God instructed him to go witness in the bars in which he had once caroused. Since so much of my life had been wasted on a bar stool, I was anxious to reach the drunkards. After being banned from the American Legion bar, we invaded the Ramada Inn disco lounge. The blank-faced crowd of career singles and lonely salesmen puffed their cigarettes and sipped their cocktails as the band played an empty "love song." When the band took a break, Mike and his wife, with Cindy and me, walked to the dance floor and, to the surprise of all, started singing to the tune of "Shortnin' Bread":

All God's Children love living, living All God's children love living bread. Throw up your hands. Fall upon your face. The Holy Ghost is going to shake this place.

As we sang we acted out the lyrics by throwing up our hands, bowing our faces to the floor and turning around. The Holy Ghost began to shake up the incredulous customers in the disco.

Suddenly the Spirit of God moved within Cindy and she preached: "Awake, ye drunkards and weep and howl for the new wine which is Jesus Christ has been cut off from you. Be not deceived, no drunkard shall inherit the kingdom of God. For all ye drunkards shall burn forever in the LAKE OF Fi-rrrre, except ye REPENT and believe in Jesus.""

Jed on Evolution:

"Students had been told they were animals for so long that finally, in the late 1960's, they began to look and act like animals. Today many college students have no more morals than cockroaches."

Jed on His Time As a Frat Boy:

"In the basement of the Delta Upsilon house at Indiana University, we had what we called the "dark room." This was not a place for developing film. In the "dark room" there was neither light nor window, the walls were painted black and lined with thickly cushioned leather couches. The floor was carpeted with old, stained mattresses out of the dormitory.

We used to have exchange dinners with the sorority houses. Initially, we would play the role of gentlemen to put them off guard. But soon we were drawing beer from a keg in order to break down their wills. When we paired off with one we would lead her into the "darkroom" and shut the door. Propriety will not allow me to detail what happened next. However, I will say many a sorority girl was over exposed in the "darkroom" to the background music of Johnnie Mathis."

Jed on His Time as a "Rock 'N Roll Hippie Freak":

"I would go down to the beach at sunset, get in lotus position and chant: "Ommmm, Ooommmm." This was supposed to give me peace of mind and make me more sensitive and aware of my "oneness with the cosmos;" but in reality it just opened my mind to the control of more demons.

These devils began to speak to me, "Man, you're always talking about other people's hangups; you still have a few of your own-- you still wear clothes." Before long I was running those beaches stark naked. This did not bring me peace of mind, either."


"I had almost every Beatles' album. I had been to rock concerts and demonstrations all over the world. My hair was long and a beard covered my face. I had worn my faded Levis until the patches had holes in them. I had carried my army surplus backpack for so long that even without wearing it I naturally walked like hippies walk: shoulders slumped, back bent and arms swinging in an ape-like fashion."


"During my hippie days in the San Francisco Bay Area, Jerry Rubin, Abbie Hoffman and Mario Savio rallied with other radicals to conduct massive teach-ins a the University of California at Berkeley. Like cattle going to the slaughter, hundreds gathered on the steps of Sproul Hall and were brainwashed with doctrines of socialism and anti-Americanism."

Jed in Syracuse:

"Syracuse, New York has given me the most extensive news coverage. Since Syracuse University is a private institution, I had to get a permit to speak. Reluctantly, the administration gave me a permit from 12-2 p.m. outside of Hendricks Chapel. Campus security watched intently as an estimated crowd of 700 to 800 quickly gathered.

At one point a student threw a pie shell filled with shaving cream into my face. The director of security tackled and detained him. I continued preaching until another student appeared from the crowd, grabbed the Bible from my hand and pitched it into the crowd tearing several pages from it.

Even though I made a deliberate attempt to avoid some of the more provocative issues, the crowd was in an uproar. The emergency medical crew from the university ambulance had arrived on the scene. The crowd had closed in and it appeared that I would be mobbed."

Jed on Hippies:

"During the late 1960's thousands of wayward youth journeyed from all over America to meet the devil at the intersection of Haight and Ashbury streets in San Francisco."


"They came to California as self-righteous "flower children" claiming a new awareness and talking and singing about love; but inside they were full of cursing and bitterness. Captivated by a spirit which led them to rebel against God and His standards of home, cleanliness, purity and order they lived in the streets or "crash pads." Hair grew long, jeans became the dress code, drugs were the prescription and the message was in the music: "turn on, tune in and drop out." "Destruction and misery were in their ways," (Romans 3:16) as thousands became addicted to drugs, conceived illegitimate children, aborted babies, caught hepatitis and became possessed with evil spirits."

Jed Recalls the Day He Met Jesus:

That night we went across the street to the Burger King, "Home of the Whopper!" Clyde opened the scriptures to me and I became convicted of my sins. That night in the Burger King, I found the King of Kings when I called upon the Lord Jesus Christ to save me.



Jed on Rock 'N Roll: (By Far My Favorite)

"Most college students lost their virginity under the influence of drugs and/or booze while listening to rock 'n roll music."


"This abominable music has captured the hearts of two generations. Most students can quote more lyrics to rock music than Bible verses. They prefer the devil's encouragement to selfishness, rather than Jesus' exhortation to self-denial. They display their idolatry with T-shirts, stickers and posters that say "Rock Lives," "Rock 'n roll Shall Never Die" and "Rock is Forever." Like Baal worshippers of old they attribute deity to an idol that can never give life.

Some may still believe that rock music is "just innocent love songs." But in the sixties they sang "I want to hold your hand," in the seventies, "Let's spend the night together," in the eighties, "I want to kiss you all over." The nineties gave us 2 Live Crew, "I'll break ya down and dick ya long. Bust your pussy then break your backbone". What started out as supposed innocence has become glorified perversion and violence. Rock idols admit that when they say love they really mean sex. Face it, when The Beatles sang "Let's Do It in the Road," they weren't talking about driving their Rolls Royce down the highway.

Many rock groups are blatantly blasphemous and satanic. Mick Jagger still sings, "Sympathy for the Devil" and one of Van Halen's greatest hits was, "Running With the Devil." Even some of their names defy God: like Black Sabbath and The Grateful Dead. It is no wonder that The Grateful Dead is one of the few surviving rock groups from the sixties when one considers Proverbs 8:36: "They that hate God love death."


"Years ago when I was a Rock 'n Roll hippie freak, Mick Jagger came out with the song, "I Can't Get No Satisfaction." It became a top hit and is still popular over a decade later. Why? Because with all their dope, lust and partying this generation is still not satisfied.

Mick Jagger, for instance, is a multimillionaire, he has fame, fortune, sex and drugs yet the best song he can sing is "I Can't Get No Satisfaction;" because there is no contentment in sin."


"The Christian can not relate to music that glorifies sin. They hate sin and therefore they hate rock music. Jagger's song could never appeal to the believer who has peace that passes understanding."

Well, I hope everyone feels just a little bit more secure in their faith now. I'm glad that I believe all this stuff...

Just Kidding.


posted by Rivers  # 8:00 PM 6 comments
 

More Awesome License Plates



I saw this guy on I-85 Saturday. Notice the awesome Mandalorian decal on the window.

Sweet.

posted by Rivers  # 7:50 PM 2 comments

Monday, February 21, 2005

 

A Whole Lot of Nothing



That's what this weekend was.

Although, if nothing else, I did snap some good pictures.

Friday I made several trips back to the shack out on Wire Road to take some more pictures:





I went once at 4:30 PM,









and once again at 5:30.





And one last time today in PhotoShop land.

That's pretty much all that happened Friday. The sun went down.

Saturday was a different story entirely.

Saturday I sat in front of the library and took pictures of birds:















Oh yeah!



I went home and blew a big bubble with some bubble gum.



Then it exploded all over my face.

I gave up on the gum and instead decided to indulge in the product with the most frightening package that I've ever seen:



Daddy Ray's Fig Newtons! If you send in 15 proofs of purchase, Daddy Ray will come to your house and molest you.

After the aforementioned confections began to bore me, I went out and snapped some night shots using no flash:













Sunday = Z-Fest

And that's all that happened.

Oh yeah, I've got to throw in this picture of Sean from a few weeks back:



I'm sure I've bored everyone to death with these pictures, but that's how I felt all weekend.



Rivers Out!

posted by Rivers  # 6:32 PM 0 comments
 

Fear and Loathing in Heaven



Hunter S. Thompson, the king of Gonzo, shot himself in the head last night.

Thompson was the author of many books and short stories. The most well known among them, of course, is Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Being the author of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, that also makes Thompson the author of the best opening to a book that I've ever read:

We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was screaming "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"

Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses. "Never mind," I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point mentioning those bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.


Michael Patton, my Philosophy 101 professor and a huge Hunter S. Thompson-head, eulogized his "last counter-culture hero" by reading those two paragraphs. Then, as if we didn't believe in Patton's true love for Thompson's work, he then showed us the tattoo on his leg:



Yeah, this was a bad day for Patton. So bad he let us out of class early. So, there you go.

posted by Rivers  # 5:00 PM 0 comments

Thursday, February 17, 2005

 

Manson Comes Alive



Pretty much everyone knows that Charles Manson was a failed musician before he became the leader of the original Murder Inc. Well, the other night I happened upon a couple of original Manson tunes performed by the man himself.

This album, Lie: The Love & Terror Cult was released by the incarcerated Manson in 1970 in order to finance his legal defense. All the songs on the record, however, were recorded back in 1968. As much as I hate to say it, some of these are pretty catchy tunes, especially "Look at Your Game, Girl". It's even going on my mix for the weekend. Anyway, I know you've all got that morbid curiosity working on you right now, so don't even pretend like you're above downloading these songs.

Charles Manson and the Family Band- Lie: The Love & Terror Cult

1. Look at Your Game, Girl
2. Ego
3. Mechanical Man
4. People Say I'm No Good
5. Don't Do Anything Illegal
6. Sick City
7. Cease to Exist
8. Arkansas
9. I Never Say Never to Always
10. Garbage Dump
11. Big Iron Door
12. I Once Knew a Man
13. Eyes of a Dreamer

As for the above graphic, I know it's not real, but it should be. Seriously, they gave Billy Ray fuckin' Cyrus a 20th Century Masters CD. As long as they're just handing out Greatest Hits CDs to random, no-talent, waste-of-space, mongoloids, why not give one to Charlie Manson? At least his 20th Century Masters CD would be somewhat intriguing. Much more so than an ABBA or W.A.S.P. 20th Century Masters CD.

posted by Rivers  # 8:50 AM 0 comments

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

 

Yet Another Rock N' Roll Weekend



What a weekend it was, indeed.

Thursday:

Upon returning to Lee County from Montevallo on Thursday, I decided to take Wire Road back to Auburn. Just as the sun was going down, I passed a pasture, and right next to the road was a shanty with two large oak trees next to it. I just had to stop, and I snapped the following two pictures:





Thursday night I was treated to a crisis over at the Ryder-Webb connection. Apparently, the water heater overheated and exploded. Not even in the way that most water heaters explode. Typically, only a pipe in the water heater actually bursts. Not in this case, the actual tank exploded. This effectively turning Ryder's living room into a swamp. It featured standing water, bad smells, humidity, real steam, and even a little tributary running out of the closet and into the living room. It was just like being in an actual swamp. It was so cool.

Friday:

With only the exception of a jam session at Richard's house, Friday sucked and there's nothing more to report.

Saturday:

Saturday, it was time for some Green Lemon. The show at the Olde Auburn Ale House was completely bad ass. They played the new hit single "Shoestring", as well as "Intergalactic intercourse" which Matt particularly liked a lot. My favorite part of the night, however, came when Green Lemon treated the audience to their rendition of Simple Minds' "Don't You (Forget About Me)", better known as "that song from The Breakfast Club", complete with synthesizers and a crowd sing along. It was indeed an awesome show.

Pictures from Green Lemon:













Sunday:

Sunday arrived, and it was time for Wilco. Chandler, Matt, Richard, and I made our way up to Birmingham with Britney and David following closely behind.



We arrived in Birmingham at 7:30 PM. We were just in time to miss the opening act, which I was more than thrilled about. I was in no mood to catch some shitty singer/songwriter or whoever the opening act happened to be on that night.

We parked and made our way through the rain-soaked streets to the Alabama Theatre. Under the marquee, a crowd comprised of nothing but hipsters, sadgirls, and one dude wearing a Kavu visor had gathered to await the Co of Wil.

We went inside, and after some confusions with our seating arrangements, we settled in to watch the show. Since it was Grammy night, and since Wilco hadn't seen an Alabama venue in EIGHT YEARS they rocked it properly with extra awesome sauce. Don't believe me? Check the set-list dyke-face:

The Late Greats
Theologians
Poor Places
Hummingbird
Muzzle Of Bees
I'm Always In Love
At Least That's What You Said
Jesus, Etc.
Via Chicago
Another Man's Done Gone
Ashes Of American Flags
Heavy Metal Drummer
I'm The Man Who Loves You
I Am Trying To Break Your Heart
Handshake Drugs
A Shot In The Arm


Encore I:

Misunderstood
Kingpin
Passenger Side
California Stars


Encore II:

Spiders (Kidsmoke)
I'm A Wheel
Political Science
Something In The Air


Unfortunately, my position in the audience did not allow many good picture opportunities, but I did my best:







Needless to say, it was a terrific show. Even better than the Bonnaroo performance. I guess this might be due to the fact that I actually knew who Wilco was this time around, regardless it kicked ass.

On the way out of the Alabama Theatre, in hopes that we could find the on-ramp to I-65, we followed some dude in a BMW with a license plate that read "SEA NCAK", presumably a reference to the band The Sea & Cake. I followed him for awhile, but when it became clear that he didn't know his way to I-65, I started making random turns. We ended up at a razor wire surrounded, ghetto ass, Norfolk-Western railyard. After Matt suffered a near-nervous breakdown, I got back on the main road, and we eventually found the interstate.



I guess while were on the subject of license plates, I told Chandler that would post this picture from a couple of weeks back.

Monday came, and I opted to forego my one scheduled class in lieu of some much needed sleep. I headed back to Montevallo at around 3:00. I decided that, for a change, I'd take Highway 280 back up to the smelling shithole that is Montevallo. This was a huge mistake, as Highway 280 is the worst possible route of travel to the aforementioned shithole.



I did, however, manage to snap this pic of the Coosa River whilst on my journey. I guess you have to see a silver lining in every cloud. Shortly thereafter, however, the silver lining encountered its touch of grey, as the Dead would say, when I became lost in Wilsonville. Remind me to never see, think about, or go near Wilsonville ever again. Wilsonville makes Montevallo look like Paris.

That's all for now.

posted by Rivers  # 2:25 PM 3 comments

Thursday, February 10, 2005

 

Your Flag Decal Won't Get You Into Heaven Anymore

And a Few Other Great John Prine Tunes



I suppose it's no secret that I'm a huge John Prine fan. That's why I was so excited to hear that he would be at this year's Bonnaroo Music Festival.

John Prine is an amazing singer/songwriter. Prine wrote one of my favorite songs of all time, "Paradise". Actually, "Paradise" is the song that I most wish I had written. Prine is also a great social commentator. He wrote songs about smoking pot, the Vietnam war, and the destruction of the environment.

That said, here are some of my favorite John Prine tunes:

Your Flag Decal Won't Get You Into Heaven Anymore

"Your flag decal won't get you into heaven anymore. They're already overcrowded from your dirty little war. Now, Jesus don't like killing no matter what the reason's for, and your flag decal won't get you into heaven anymore."

Even though this song was written about the Vietnam war, I'd say that, thanks to the Bush administration, this song has more than stood the test of time.

Sam Stone

"There's a hole in daddy's arm where all the money goes"

Paradise

So good. Such a great song. You have no choice but to love this song.

Illegal Smile

John Prine always claimed that this song isn't about being high. No. It's DEFINITELY about being high.

Angel From Montgomery (Live with Bonnie Raitt)

Saddle in the Rain

John Prine's "Nashville Sound" (aka Country Disco) song. Still, pretty fucking good.

Fish and Whistle

Dear Abbey (Live)

That's all. I hope everyone who hasn't heard these songs will download them.

And Remember...

posted by Rivers  # 8:53 AM 0 comments

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