Sorry for getting behind on my posting on here but I have a little problem. I don't have the fucking internet in my dorm room yet. That's right! None whatsoever. I'm actually sitting in a rather uncomfortable high-chair at Jazzman's Cafe here in Farmer's Hall on the campus of The University of Montevallo.

This morning I had to lug my computer all the way to the computer services building, just so they could tell me that it worked there, but not in my dorm. No shit, assholes! I know it fucking works here, I need it to work in my fucking dorm! I'm paying you a hell of a lot to go to school here. I know it doesn't work! There is nothing for me to learn from this situation. Fuck! It's not all that easy to carry all that shit just to be told something that you already know. You could've just sent some candyass computer monkey over to my dorm for ten seconds so he can tell me that my shit isn't working.

In other news, today was my first day of classes, all two of them. Those being Oral Communication (Speech) and World Literature II. I think that, because I'm a freshman in a typically sophomore class, the university purposely stuck me in the class with the stupidest ogre-lookin', business major, dumbfucks they could find. These people are sophomores and juniors, for the most part, and most of them are hideous. It's like living in the bowels of the Bastille circa 1752. I'm telling you, these people are so freakish. There's one guy with a HUGE jaw. Also, I should add, he talks about the same as a fifth grade girl would, no shit.

In spite of the mouth-breathing morons sitting around me, English class was great today. The first book that we will be reading is Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad. I told my Professor, Dr. King, that I had already read the book, and she seemed amazed when I told her that I enjoyed it. The rest of the class seemed amazed that I was literate.

So, yeah that was my first day. Not eventful in any way. Okay, they're closing this place down, and I had to buy a nasty ass Sobe just so I could use their computer for five minutes. Ugh.

One Last Thing: You all must make it a point to visit the Live Journal of Richard P's T-Town roommate, Steven J. Pohuski. HE'S A FUCKING BALLERINA! Hahaha!

It's time to fly.

Last night, at a party, Shivani came up to me and started talking about how sad it was that everyone was moving away and what not. It was right about then that it hit me. I'm leaving Auburn in less than a week for beautiful, sunny Montevallo, Alabama. I actually just got back from visiting my future alma mater. I had to go up there for "spruce up day".



This morning, I came back to my house at 4:00 AM. I left for Montevallo at 8:30. I wasn't driving thank god, my parents were, but needless to say I was still wrecked. Fortunately, this worked out nicely because I passed out on the interstate near Tuskegee. When I woke up we were in Calera (Calera is to Montevallo as Auburn is to Opelika). I sat up in my chair and decided to take in the scenery...





There was this factory that was just pouring smoke into the air. It was terrible. It was like something from the video for "Earth Song" by Michael Jackson where all of the animals are rotting, the rainforest is being bulldozed, and Michael is holding on to two trees as a violent nuclear wind tears off his clothes. Yeah, kinda like that.



Montevallo is also home to the Chilton/Shelby Mental Health Center. That's reassuring, to know that some psychos are living in yonder thicket.



Finally we made it to my new residence, Fuller Hall. This place looks like something out of Oliver Twist for fuck's sake. It is just not a fun looking place, unfortunately. Therefore, I will have to do my part to rock it out properly, at least in my room.

Like I said earlier, today was "Spruce-Up Day". That means you have to move in. I chose not to take my computer, TV, PS2, etc. up there until Wednesday (that's when Orientation: Phase 2 begins). I'm predicting that I won't be in the mood to file a police report for a stolen computer my first full day in Montevallo.



Here's the "before shot". Notice the ugly green desk and chair that sucks. As soon as my mom saw it, she immediately went into someone else's room who hadn't gotten there yet, and stole their desk and their chair, and replaced it with my shitty ones. It was certainly of better quality, although it had "fuck you" scratched pretty deeply in the top. I 'spect the computer will go on top of that, but I can't be sure.

So yeah, the parents and I did some cleaning up. We hung my extremely bad ass gold velvet granny curtains up. That, along with my 100 Dead Songs poster which I got from a yard sale for $1.00. More decor to come, I feel certain.



I would call this the "after shot", but honestly this is like a "halfway shot".



After much dusting, wiping, sweeping, etc. here I am in my new abode.

Its cold cement walls are sure to create a cozy place where I can truly relax and be myself. Only joking, although it will provide a nice alternative to real human interaction, at least for the first couple of weeks.



Oh yeah, check out the shit I saw as I was leaving this afternoon, a house fire. It was raining too. Not even God could stop this fire! How rad is that? All the occupants were all on the side of the road crying. That shit was HILARIOUS.

It seems like I should make some broad and general statement about moving out, living on your own, and just growing up in general, but I'm not going to. You're on your own bitches. Sorry!

Yes, the wait is over. I've finally gotten around to posting the sequel to my award winning compilation, Slowride: The Ultimate 70's Rock Mixture. Believe it or not, I was poised and ready to post this literally hours before news of the titanic scandal that was "Save Rivers" occurred. So, it's taken me awhile to get back on my feet, but now I am and it's time for some kick ass tunes.

Like last time, this mixture is an homage to music that is considered so absolutely terrible, that by associating yourself with it, it becomes awesome (or "kick ass" as it's said in some circles, and as I will say hundred of times in the paragraphs to come).

This is sort of a sick obsession for me. I've gone to greater and greater lengths to get my fix. I even went to go see Lynyrd Skynyrd (who I've completely forgotten to include in the Slowride franchise thus far). Matt, Chandler, and I drove all the way to Montgomery to see Lynyrd Skynyrd. I have been around for 18 years, and in all of my 18 years I have never seen a place so devoid of black people, or any other ethnicity for that matter. That is, until i got to Bonnaroo, but anyway. There were 100% white people there, seriously. I almost felt wrong about being there, but it kicked too much ass for me to even think. Now please, if you will, think about the people that you would imagine being at a Skynyrd concert. That's who was there; every last one was in attendance. Hicks, rednecks, frat-tastics, hill billies, yokels, bumpkins, Jesus freaks, mountain folk, inbred people, cowboys, dead-beat dads, dead-beat moms, dead-beat children, mullets, tank top enthusiasts, Trans-Am enthusiasts, and even people with the gas station hats that say "Around these parts, on quiet nights, you can hear a Ford rusting somewhere"

Now, I can honestly say that the best 15 minutes of my life took place during the performance of "Free Bird" that Skynyrd did for their encore. I just love that, after playing the song for thirty years, Skynyrd still pretends that they're not going to play "Free Bird" Those three guitars playing as many notes as they can, as fast as they can is so... there isn't a word. It's terrible, yet masterful. It's gut-wrenching, yet it's the best thing ever. The only way to talk about Skynyrd or any other of these bands is using some kind of Orwellian Doublespeak. Skynyrd, etc. = Doubleplusgood, Lovehate, Badgreat, or Terriblawesome. Oh, I love.

Anyway, on to the mixture:

Workin' For the Weekend: Slowride Volume 2

1. Loverboy- "Everybody's Workin' for the Weekend"

Combines two completely unrelated topics in to one song. After the chorus, (Chorus Part 1, I guess) "Everybody's workin' for the weekend...", you think you're in for an explanation or a clever musical pun or anecdote about how much it sucks to work, and why the weekends are so great (because you don't have to work). Instead, Loverboy sends you one out of left field, and hits you with, "You want a piece of my heart? You'd better start from the start. You wanna be in the show? C'mon baby lets go." Even Chorus Part two is unrelated to itself. What a great song.

2. Golden Earring- "Radar Love"

Apparently, the person singing this song is a man who has some sort of a sonar relationship with either a dolphin or whale lover, or an air traffic controller. "We've got a thing that we call radar love". The song never explains just exactly what the hell "radar love" is. It's just another one of those mysteries that can never be solved. This, because all of the members of Golden Earring slipped and fell... on heroin filled needles.

3. Blue Oyster Cult- "Burnin' for You"

Ah, yes B.O.C. there's nothing better. Sadly though, this song is without an audible cowbell like the classic, "Don't Fear the Reaper". This, according to the "cowbell clause", as you know, disqualifies it from being a true masterpiece in the terriblawesome genre. However, with it's repetitive chorus and a certain "This song is actually about having an STD and a raging fire in my genitalia" quality, It's definitely a classic.

4. Steely Dan- "Do It Again"

A song about a Mexican named Jack, who has to "go back" and ""do it again" after a failed attempt at sneaking over the border trying to get into our great and prosperous land. If Bush spends four more years in office, Jack and all of the other illegal aliens will be begging for a ride home.

5. The Doobie Brothers- "China Grove"

With the irresistible chorus of "Whoa-o, China Grove" the Doobies simply can do no wrong in my eyes. The brothers Doob are (not being sarcastic) some of the best musicians ever. If you don't listen to the Doobie Brothers, than a horrible death is in order for you.

6. Foghat- "Night Shift"

Foghat: The band that started it all. I am proud to say that I make it a point to listen to Foghat at least once a day. It's the kind of music that gets your heart racing, and just makes you want to flick off everyone that you see. Sadly, these songs are nowhere near as effective in the new car (Mitsubishi Galant) as they were in the old (GMC Jimmy). Sadness...

7. Bad Company- "Rock and Roll Fantasy"

"Here come the jesters. One, two, three. It's all part of my fantasy". Possibly one of the most brilliant lines ever. Screw Hamlet's "To be, or not to be..." speech. If the members of Bad Company had gotten to fight Hamlet instead of that puss-bag Laeretes, they would've whooped his ass. Yeehaw!

8. Nazareth- "Hair of the Dog"

"Now you're messin' with a, a son of a bitch!" It's great to ride around giving the finger to the world, or get in a drunken brawl with this song as the background music. It's interesting to note that Nazareth is responsible for one of the most bad ass songs of all time ("Hair of the Dog") and one of the weakest, pussiest, shittiest songs of all time ("Love Hurts"). What a contradiction!

9. Foreigner- "Feels Like the First Time"

Key Lyric: "I guess it's just the woman in you, that brings out the man in me". Honestly, does that even make sense?

10. Wet Willie- "Grits Ain't Groceries"

Wet Willie opened for Lynyrd Skynyrd at the concert I attended. Unfortunately, Matt and Chandler opted to go hear some indie rock pussy over the most kick ass band to ever come from Mobile, AL.

11. Argent- "Hold Your Head Up"

An inspirational song? Who knows? Who the fuck cares?

12. Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet band- "Night Moves"

Wow, what a great song to listen to when you're completely soused and you've just blacked-in (the opposite of blacked-out) at Waffle House and this song is playing on the jukebox. I suppose that it really is "funny how the night moves".

13. Pure Prairie League- "Two Lane Highway"

A song that I knew would be perfect for this CD the moment I heard it for the 1,754th time on Classic Rock 92.7: The River. Such a powerful song. Such a powerfully terrible great shitty awesome song. I'm so torn between hating and loving this song that it kills me.

14. Eddie Money- "Baby Hold On"

Eddie Money is the messiah. He will save us all. To some, Eddie Money is like the poor man's Neil Diamond (damn, what interesting last name wordplay). But as far as I'm concerned, I have decided that Eddie Money is the best solo musician of this genre (Foghat being the best group act). Anything Eddie touches is a masterpiece and that is a goddamn fact! Eddie Money is sceduled to perform in Disney World this Christmas. Anyone else down? C'mon. Comments. I swear to god, if Eddie Money tells me to "Jump", I'll say "How high?". Mr. Money, I will follow you to the ends of the Earth. I love you Eddie!

15. REO Speedwagon- "Take it on the Run"

There's no way that I can even pretend to like this song. REO Speedwagon couldn't "rock out" at gunpoint for fuck's sake. The song is about ending a relationship based on loose information. "Heard it from a fried who heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend that you been messin' around". Hopefully that was a real encounter and someone's emotions were ripped to shreds. That's what you get for dating someone from REO Speedwagon who sucks so bad. REO Speedwagon must suffer for their crimes against humanity.

16. ZZ Top- "LaGrange"

Key Lyric (Actually, just the whole damn song):

"Rumor spreadin' a-'round in that Texas town
'bout that shack outside La Grange
and you know what I'm talkin' about.
Just let me know if you wanna go
to that home out on the range.
They gotta lotta nice girls ah.

Have mercy.
A haw, haw, haw, haw, a haw.
A haw, haw, haw.

Well, I hear it's fine if you got the time
and the ten to get yourself in.
A hmm, hmm.
And I hear it's tight most every night,
but now I might be mistaken.
hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.

Have mercy."

This song about some sort of Texas whore house is really nothing more than a thought. He's saying that there's a whorehouse outside of a town in Texas called LaGrange, it costs ten dollars to get it, he hears that it's a nice place to go for a, presumably, sexual thrill, but he might be wrong. How can you make a song out of that? I'll tell you how. You kick a lot of ass and don't ask any questions. It doesn't matter what you sing about as long as you kick ass in doing so. ZZ Top CERTAINLY kicks some ass. They kick more ass than Stone Cold Steve Austin, Cassius Clay, Babyface Nelson, and Judge Mills Lane put together.

17. Thin Lizzy- "The Boys are Back in Town"

I might be wrong, but I find that this song sounds EXACTLY like "Jail Break". Seriously. if you have access to these two songs listen to them back to back. They're the same fucking song, just different words. Still, Thin Lizzy knows how to rock your socks. If I catch anyone else bitching about Thin Lizzy, it's gonna be on!

18. Brownsville Station- "Smokin' in the Boys Room"

Covereed by Motley Crue in the 80's, the original version of the song rules more. Does that make sense?

Well, that's all. I hope that you've enjoyed yet another exploration into the wilderness of Rock N' Roll greatness.

Peace Out Dudes...

...I gotta say it one more time... kicks ass.

Rivers' New Camera, Couch in the Driveway, and a Night in the Trees



Guess what. (Riddle me this. Why do most people write the phrase "Guess what" with a question mark at the end? It isn't a interrogative. I'm commanding you to make a guess as to what's on my mind. Next time someone IM's me with the phrase "Guess What?" I swear to God, someone will die.)

I got a new camera yesterday. It's a Nikon Coolpix 3200. I don't know exactly what that means, but it's basically this years model of the camera that Ms. LaRoux so generously (and unknowingly) let me use throughout the duration of "the old site".

It's quite a nice little ditty. It has the same settings as the old one, so I immediately knew how to work it. The only problem that I could see with the entire thing is that, instead of a rechargable ion lithium battery or some such shit, it uses two AA batteries. I suppose that's good and bad. Mostly bad. In fact, there's nothing good about it. That's just terrible. So, I'm thinking I'm going to be like Mike, and buy some rechargeable batteries (Internationally-loved hoopsman, Michael Jordan, was the spokesperson for rechargeable batteries for those of you that have never watched a television).

Anyway, these are my first shots with my new nugget of joy. Also please enjoy these pictures, as they will be my last pictures I will post until I get to Montevallo on the 30th. This is because, as you may know, I have a new computer with very very old dial-up. Each of these pictures took twelve fucking minutes to load on to Photobucket. So, needless to say, I won't be waiting around the house from 9:45 AM - 8:00 PM for you people ever again. I'll just Ethernet it when I get to the 'Vallo. There will be nothing else to do, except maybe get drunk and walk to the Blockbuster which is 10 feet away... on the outskirts of town.



Yesterday, after I got the camera, the first two pictures that I shot were the one at the top, as well as the one above. Not very well thought-out, but I don't hate either of them...yet.



I also shot this picture of the wizard plants in our backyard.



After fucking around with the camera for an extended period, I sort of weasled my way into my mom and dad's night out to La Bamba's. They were going to go by themselves, but I just sort of went with them anyway. Food was good, I still prefer Laredo.







I also took these two pictures of the 'rents. I particularly like the picture at the bottom, because my parents are fucked up. My dad looks cock-eyed in the top picture.

Anyway, when I got home my task was to move a couch out of the living room and into the driveway, where it could be loaded up and given to charity on the following day.



In case you're wondering, it's broken. But not too bad.



My dad and I got it out there, and I layed down on it for a while.



The view from the couch was nice. It felt good outside.



I sat there for a good long while actually. Then Chandler and Charlie came over. We just sat around and talked a bunch of shit.

I gave Richard a rangy dang and he told me that they were partying in Richard's tree house.

Chandler and I made haste over to 420 Sehoy Circle.



Richard, Caroline...



...Matt, and Britney waited to greet us. The usual treehouse activities began. By that I mean sitting around and losing ourselves and our remaining hours in our conversations which fluctuate from very deep to petty and stupid. Also, for the past couple of gatherings at the treehouse, we've decorated the walls with paintings. Here is a sampling of the paintings that can be found in the round at Richard's treehouse...



Richard's renditions of an owl and what looks like a dragon spinning around in circles or something.



My illustration of a quote from Robert Frost's famous sonnet, "Acquainted With the Night".

"...and furthur still, at an unearthly height, one luminary clock against the sky proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right. I have been one acquainted with the night."

(In case you are a complete fucking moron, he's talking about the moon)



Sean's wonderfully executed abstract piece is stationed directly to the left of the statue's head. In case you're trying to figure it out, "Yes, you have seen that face before" it used to hang in the back corner of Mr. Dyer's room. Over the summer, however, Mr. Dyer decided to get rid of it. Our gain I suppose. Also, the illuminations on the vertical support beam between the two pieces were also done by Sean.



Sean's illustration of a winged eye overlooking some high-rise buildings.



Richard's abstract piece right above his painting of a tree which was painted on the end of a skateboard that obviously broke.



My illustration of the song "Ocean Man" by Ween. By the way, the thing in his hand is a shovel. Like the kind you use to build sand castles at the beach. Just so you know.



Lastly, (there are actually many more paintings up there, but these are all I had battery for) is two of Sean's pictures. One of them (left) is blocked by the light of the candle. However, I can assure you that it's great. Also, there's another Sean picture of a beach with a palm tree. You should all get to know Sean now. This will insure that one day when you're poor and no one cares about you, you'll at least be able to say that you knew Sean before he hit it big. Mark my words. Also, propped up under the palm tree and the island is another section of Richard's sectioned skateboard. This one with mountains on it.



Britney and Matt, again.



Sean rocks out to my painting.



Matt rocks it solo. If you notice right behind Matt under the white statue face is Trent's painting of Jesus, a black guy, and a suitcase. One of my overall favorites. That is in addition to where he painted "B(o)(o)bs" (in red, no less) over Matt's one and only artistic contribution to the treehouse, the under-appreciated, "Laughfle" painting.



The last picture of note is this one that I took of a candle in the treehouse. I like it.

So, that's what a post without scandalous pictures and text looks like. If you enjoyed it, or if you even read it, then hopefully you're not too disappointed. If you didn't like it, please visit again. Crazy shit is bound to happen once I get up to Montevallo, or rather when I get home from Montevallo.

Goodbye.

Well, apparently I haven't learned my lesson. I just can't leave well enough alone. So, what other choice do I have other than to start over from scratch. The answer is, none. I have no choice. You have no choice.

As for the name, which is spelled correctly, I'm not trying to be self-righteous or "pretentious" as some would say. I'm merely referring to what the good people at the Auburn Police Department called me back during "the good old days". This is a not so clever reference to the late actor River Phoenix, who was known for his drug use, in fact that's what did him in. Back in those days I had a reputation for being somewhat of a wild child. Yes, everyone, including the police, thought that I was on crack. I only found out about the name upon my pseudo-arrest for mooning cars, and filming it. Oh my God, there is totally a viscous cycle here. Whatever.

Anyway, I suppose that it's also relevant in relation to what happened to the last website, but I won't go in to that... Actually, I will. I don't understand what kind of dumbass wouldn't erase that site from their history IMMEDIATELY. If you have half-a-brain about you, and you're interested in self-preservation, don't even give mom or dad a chance to see that website. How can people be so dumb? I suppose it's possible...Milo.

The next two posts or so will be those that I wish to carry over from the old site. Those most-likely being Memoirs of Bonnaroo 2004 and The Tales of Brave Ulysses.

So, yeah. Um. I'm getting a new digital camera tomorrow. I have about $300 to work with. If anyone has any suggestions as to what I should get, please don't hesitate to leave me a comment with your name on it.

No pictures this time, but the next new post will probably regard my trip to The University of Montevallo's orientation celebration, and the hilarity that ensues.

Until then, here's some crazy pictures you might not have seen.



Some crazy headlights and stuff taken over Christmas break.



My favorite driver, Ian, takes me to Zaxby's over the winter holidays.



A picture of Justin F. taken sometime last summer.



Lastly we have, what is probably, my favorite picture EVER. Here is Sean looking more sinister than Shredder and Darth Vader combined.

Okay, Holla.