Yes, the wait is over. I've finally gotten around to posting the sequel to my award winning compilation, Slowride: The Ultimate 70's Rock Mixture. Believe it or not, I was poised and ready to post this literally hours before news of the titanic scandal that was "Save Rivers" occurred. So, it's taken me awhile to get back on my feet, but now I am and it's time for some kick ass tunes.

Like last time, this mixture is an homage to music that is considered so absolutely terrible, that by associating yourself with it, it becomes awesome (or "kick ass" as it's said in some circles, and as I will say hundred of times in the paragraphs to come).

This is sort of a sick obsession for me. I've gone to greater and greater lengths to get my fix. I even went to go see Lynyrd Skynyrd (who I've completely forgotten to include in the Slowride franchise thus far). Matt, Chandler, and I drove all the way to Montgomery to see Lynyrd Skynyrd. I have been around for 18 years, and in all of my 18 years I have never seen a place so devoid of black people, or any other ethnicity for that matter. That is, until i got to Bonnaroo, but anyway. There were 100% white people there, seriously. I almost felt wrong about being there, but it kicked too much ass for me to even think. Now please, if you will, think about the people that you would imagine being at a Skynyrd concert. That's who was there; every last one was in attendance. Hicks, rednecks, frat-tastics, hill billies, yokels, bumpkins, Jesus freaks, mountain folk, inbred people, cowboys, dead-beat dads, dead-beat moms, dead-beat children, mullets, tank top enthusiasts, Trans-Am enthusiasts, and even people with the gas station hats that say "Around these parts, on quiet nights, you can hear a Ford rusting somewhere"

Now, I can honestly say that the best 15 minutes of my life took place during the performance of "Free Bird" that Skynyrd did for their encore. I just love that, after playing the song for thirty years, Skynyrd still pretends that they're not going to play "Free Bird" Those three guitars playing as many notes as they can, as fast as they can is so... there isn't a word. It's terrible, yet masterful. It's gut-wrenching, yet it's the best thing ever. The only way to talk about Skynyrd or any other of these bands is using some kind of Orwellian Doublespeak. Skynyrd, etc. = Doubleplusgood, Lovehate, Badgreat, or Terriblawesome. Oh, I love.

Anyway, on to the mixture:

Workin' For the Weekend: Slowride Volume 2

1. Loverboy- "Everybody's Workin' for the Weekend"

Combines two completely unrelated topics in to one song. After the chorus, (Chorus Part 1, I guess) "Everybody's workin' for the weekend...", you think you're in for an explanation or a clever musical pun or anecdote about how much it sucks to work, and why the weekends are so great (because you don't have to work). Instead, Loverboy sends you one out of left field, and hits you with, "You want a piece of my heart? You'd better start from the start. You wanna be in the show? C'mon baby lets go." Even Chorus Part two is unrelated to itself. What a great song.

2. Golden Earring- "Radar Love"

Apparently, the person singing this song is a man who has some sort of a sonar relationship with either a dolphin or whale lover, or an air traffic controller. "We've got a thing that we call radar love". The song never explains just exactly what the hell "radar love" is. It's just another one of those mysteries that can never be solved. This, because all of the members of Golden Earring slipped and fell... on heroin filled needles.

3. Blue Oyster Cult- "Burnin' for You"

Ah, yes B.O.C. there's nothing better. Sadly though, this song is without an audible cowbell like the classic, "Don't Fear the Reaper". This, according to the "cowbell clause", as you know, disqualifies it from being a true masterpiece in the terriblawesome genre. However, with it's repetitive chorus and a certain "This song is actually about having an STD and a raging fire in my genitalia" quality, It's definitely a classic.

4. Steely Dan- "Do It Again"

A song about a Mexican named Jack, who has to "go back" and ""do it again" after a failed attempt at sneaking over the border trying to get into our great and prosperous land. If Bush spends four more years in office, Jack and all of the other illegal aliens will be begging for a ride home.

5. The Doobie Brothers- "China Grove"

With the irresistible chorus of "Whoa-o, China Grove" the Doobies simply can do no wrong in my eyes. The brothers Doob are (not being sarcastic) some of the best musicians ever. If you don't listen to the Doobie Brothers, than a horrible death is in order for you.

6. Foghat- "Night Shift"

Foghat: The band that started it all. I am proud to say that I make it a point to listen to Foghat at least once a day. It's the kind of music that gets your heart racing, and just makes you want to flick off everyone that you see. Sadly, these songs are nowhere near as effective in the new car (Mitsubishi Galant) as they were in the old (GMC Jimmy). Sadness...

7. Bad Company- "Rock and Roll Fantasy"

"Here come the jesters. One, two, three. It's all part of my fantasy". Possibly one of the most brilliant lines ever. Screw Hamlet's "To be, or not to be..." speech. If the members of Bad Company had gotten to fight Hamlet instead of that puss-bag Laeretes, they would've whooped his ass. Yeehaw!

8. Nazareth- "Hair of the Dog"

"Now you're messin' with a, a son of a bitch!" It's great to ride around giving the finger to the world, or get in a drunken brawl with this song as the background music. It's interesting to note that Nazareth is responsible for one of the most bad ass songs of all time ("Hair of the Dog") and one of the weakest, pussiest, shittiest songs of all time ("Love Hurts"). What a contradiction!

9. Foreigner- "Feels Like the First Time"

Key Lyric: "I guess it's just the woman in you, that brings out the man in me". Honestly, does that even make sense?

10. Wet Willie- "Grits Ain't Groceries"

Wet Willie opened for Lynyrd Skynyrd at the concert I attended. Unfortunately, Matt and Chandler opted to go hear some indie rock pussy over the most kick ass band to ever come from Mobile, AL.

11. Argent- "Hold Your Head Up"

An inspirational song? Who knows? Who the fuck cares?

12. Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet band- "Night Moves"

Wow, what a great song to listen to when you're completely soused and you've just blacked-in (the opposite of blacked-out) at Waffle House and this song is playing on the jukebox. I suppose that it really is "funny how the night moves".

13. Pure Prairie League- "Two Lane Highway"

A song that I knew would be perfect for this CD the moment I heard it for the 1,754th time on Classic Rock 92.7: The River. Such a powerful song. Such a powerfully terrible great shitty awesome song. I'm so torn between hating and loving this song that it kills me.

14. Eddie Money- "Baby Hold On"

Eddie Money is the messiah. He will save us all. To some, Eddie Money is like the poor man's Neil Diamond (damn, what interesting last name wordplay). But as far as I'm concerned, I have decided that Eddie Money is the best solo musician of this genre (Foghat being the best group act). Anything Eddie touches is a masterpiece and that is a goddamn fact! Eddie Money is sceduled to perform in Disney World this Christmas. Anyone else down? C'mon. Comments. I swear to god, if Eddie Money tells me to "Jump", I'll say "How high?". Mr. Money, I will follow you to the ends of the Earth. I love you Eddie!

15. REO Speedwagon- "Take it on the Run"

There's no way that I can even pretend to like this song. REO Speedwagon couldn't "rock out" at gunpoint for fuck's sake. The song is about ending a relationship based on loose information. "Heard it from a fried who heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend that you been messin' around". Hopefully that was a real encounter and someone's emotions were ripped to shreds. That's what you get for dating someone from REO Speedwagon who sucks so bad. REO Speedwagon must suffer for their crimes against humanity.

16. ZZ Top- "LaGrange"

Key Lyric (Actually, just the whole damn song):

"Rumor spreadin' a-'round in that Texas town
'bout that shack outside La Grange
and you know what I'm talkin' about.
Just let me know if you wanna go
to that home out on the range.
They gotta lotta nice girls ah.

Have mercy.
A haw, haw, haw, haw, a haw.
A haw, haw, haw.

Well, I hear it's fine if you got the time
and the ten to get yourself in.
A hmm, hmm.
And I hear it's tight most every night,
but now I might be mistaken.
hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.

Have mercy."

This song about some sort of Texas whore house is really nothing more than a thought. He's saying that there's a whorehouse outside of a town in Texas called LaGrange, it costs ten dollars to get it, he hears that it's a nice place to go for a, presumably, sexual thrill, but he might be wrong. How can you make a song out of that? I'll tell you how. You kick a lot of ass and don't ask any questions. It doesn't matter what you sing about as long as you kick ass in doing so. ZZ Top CERTAINLY kicks some ass. They kick more ass than Stone Cold Steve Austin, Cassius Clay, Babyface Nelson, and Judge Mills Lane put together.

17. Thin Lizzy- "The Boys are Back in Town"

I might be wrong, but I find that this song sounds EXACTLY like "Jail Break". Seriously. if you have access to these two songs listen to them back to back. They're the same fucking song, just different words. Still, Thin Lizzy knows how to rock your socks. If I catch anyone else bitching about Thin Lizzy, it's gonna be on!

18. Brownsville Station- "Smokin' in the Boys Room"

Covereed by Motley Crue in the 80's, the original version of the song rules more. Does that make sense?

Well, that's all. I hope that you've enjoyed yet another exploration into the wilderness of Rock N' Roll greatness.

Peace Out Dudes...

...I gotta say it one more time... kicks ass.