Plus: Some Really Old Photographs



Friday was the worst day of my life for one reason: S.O.S.

As the above graphic (which Auburn University can thank me for later) indicates, SOS stands for "Successfully Orienting Students". This is Auburn University's orientation program for transfer students. Let me go ahead and send my condolences to all of you that will have to attend "Camp War Eagle" this summer. SOS was unbearable, but it only lasted eight hours. The thought of having to go to "Camp War Eagle" for three days makes this past year in the psychological clutches of Montevallo seem more than worth it.

SOS began at 7:45 Friday morning. That's problem one. I don't do 7:45 AM. I'll do 10 AM, maybe even 9 AM; but not 7:45. That's a ridiculous hour to rouse anyone, much less a bunch of college students.

That's another problem; the people at SOS act like I don't know where the fuck I am; as though it doesn't read: "Auburn" in big fuckin' letters on the nametag that I was made to wear. Hey, asshole, I've lived here since inception. Can't I just sign a piece of paper saying that this session will be a waste of your time and my money? Of course I couldn't do that, because then it wouldn't be a bureaucracy (the kind that sends you bills for $0.00 like Auburn has on more than one occasion).

So, like I said, the thing began at 7:45 in the AM; so, I don't really know what happened between the hours of 8 AM and 12:30 PM. All I know is that when I woke up for good I was in a meeting called "Living for Learning". This was a diversity meeting. The only reason I didn't fall asleep during this session is because I just happened to read the heading on the paper that was placed before me. It read: "I'm Not Prejudice But...". This caught my attention for obvious reasons. Truly, the assignment should've been called "Hey, Guess Who Among You Is A Bigot!" On the sheets were about twenty questions to which you were meant to respond by using "N" for never, "S" for sometimes, and "O" for often. After everyone had finished answering the questions on the sheet, the leader of the session would repeat each question. Then, in unison, the entire assembly would repeat their answer. If anyone said anything other than "never", the session leader would then call them out and make them argue their point. It was very hilarious to hear those backward hicks transferring over from Notasulga Bible College (which is a real place, by the way) try to defend their ignorant stances on minorities and homosexuals.

For instance, one of the questions was:

I become uncomfortable when a gay, lesbian, or bisexual person approaches me.

Some girl up at the front said the following:

"I don't know. I mean, maybe it's just where I'm from, but I think it's just , like, disgusting and I'm not comfortable talking to those kinds of people."

Wow, I can't argue with a defense like that. That's amazing, she's been in college for at least one year and she still isn't comfortable talking to gay people. Either she went to BYU, or she's a closed-minded bitch. I'm thinkin' the latter; but that's just me. Furthermore, said bitch was a "liberal arts" major. I would expect that type of shit out of business majors, but not liberal arts. The objective word is "liberal", you hillbilly hussy.

The best question of all, however, was this one:

I become nervous when I see a white male driving a large pickup truck with a gun rack on the back.

Seeing my chance to provoke a large audience, which I am want to do, I responded with a loud cry of "Often!". When asked to refute my answer, I said something along the lines of:

Well, in my experience, I've found that most people who have gun racks on their cars are usually angry drunkards with nothing to lose. If someone driving the pickup sees me in line for Taco Bell at 3:00 in the morning, and then sees my Kerry sticker, they might fly into a drunken rage and lynch me for being a traitor. I also believe that white people are the worst thing to happen to the planet earth... ever.

Gasps filled the room, those followed by sporadic bursts of laughter, and those followed by angry grunts and mumblings. Exactly the reaction I expected, and hoped for. That was the only really fun thing that happened at S.O.S.

The rest of the day consisted of lunch from Price's The Barbeque House, registration, and a walking campus tour. That was really helpful for me, let me tell you. I learned all about the history of Auburn. Did you know that after Auburn wins a football game, people go to a place called "Toomer's Corner" and throw toilet paper in a tree? That shit is crazy! What have I gotten myself into? LOL!

Also, I think our guide was just making stuff up. She said that Abraham Lincoln spoke at Langdon Hall. When did Lincoln find the time to come down to Auburn? He sure as hell didn't speak in Alabama during the Civil War. So, that leaves Mr. Lincoln about three days after the end of the Civil War to make a trip all the way to a town no one has ever heard of in war-ravaged Alabama of to give a brief speech and make it back to Washington in time for his date with destiny at the Ford Theater. Right, I'm sure that happened. Last time I checked, FDR and W The President were the only presidents to visit Auburn. I'm calling "bullshit" on that one.

Anyway, the thing lasted until about 3:30. Then I had to go to work until 9. It was a great day! Wink. Wink. Nod. Nod.

Now, as promised by the subtitle, I will now unleash some old pictures. These date back a couple of weeks. As you might know, I am terrible with dates and times, so if you were implicited in these situations, let your memory be your guide.









Ryder!





















All of the above pictures were taken during the simultaneous weekend outings for the birthgivers of both Richard and myself.

One night, we were just sitting around listening to Beck's new album, Guero, (IF YOU DO NOT HAVE THIS ALBUM YET YOU ARE NOT A REAL PERSON) when Richard made the observation that we always listen to music when we have get-togethers, but no one ever dances.

This gave rise to: (Just for you, Caroline)





DANCE PARTAY!

We danced at both Richard's house and mine. It was great; Guero dancing at my house, Green Lemon dancing at Richard's. Matt also made a good observation: When dancing for no good reason, it's best not to look at anyone else. That way no one feels like a jackass. I guess you shouldn't put pictures of the dance off up on the internet for the same reason; but if anyone calls me a jackass, I'll saw their arm off.

Speaking of Green Lemon, I attended the latest GL concert at Earthday 2005 held in Davis Arboretum at AU.