Wednesday, May 07, 2008

 

The Little Notebook

As some of you may have noticed, for the past couple of months I've been carrying around a little composition notebook in my back pocket. I use it to write down funny or interesting things that I hear. Well, last night, to kick off summer the right way, I jumped into a pool and, in doing so, I forgot to take the notebook out of my back pocket. So, Notebook #1 is ruined and I need to transcribe it here before i can pick up a new notebook.

Here we go:

(Page 1)

Gnome Home

I knew You
was A
Slewhog.

What about the
6,000,000 Jews?
...Look, don't ever
let anyone from
Austria push you around.

(Page 2)

Webmaster =
Internet Relations

She shows up at
4 in the morning
with a bottle
of vodka &
Shows me her
nipples and
then thinks I'm
weird because
I wanna have sex

"Scrutinty"

(Page 3)

Dawson's Creek
Fan-Fiction Show
on WEGL 91

"...As Dawson raped
her, he couldn't help
but feel a warm
sense of regret
come over him"

I've Been wearing this
Shirt all day and I'm
Strangely Aware of
my nipples

(Pages 4-8)

Conor put on yr. Bird Suit
Heres one for your Bro
Conor put on yr birdsuit it's time to play
the bird game
Sunday Morning Afternoon
Whatever works for you
When I put on my bearsuit
Its time to play the birdgame

I'll stalk you in the attic
I'll chase you through the halls
You can't possibly hide from me
Its time to play the bird
game

I've taken all your keys away
And I have locked up all the doors
No ones playing w/toys today
It's time to play the birdgame

Do you remember Uncle Rodney
He was always so good to
you He took you to Walt
Disney World and then you
played the birdgame

Uncle Rodney used to be
a happy birthday clown
but someone stole his
pantaloons now he
plays the bird game

oh, and by the way

Uncle Rodney came today
Hes hiding in the house
Hes cooked us up a feast of
shrimp Its time to play
the bird game

Rodney's got his
gurdle on freshly
rubbed with grease
He'll squeeze thru
any hole for you
he's ready to play
The bird game

He's got his silver
knickers on he's
high on PCP
He's sleeping in yr bed tonight
it's time to play the
bird game

So drink the poison
lemonade it what
good for you
feel the tingle
when it go down
Its time to play the
bird game

The game is over your
feathers are wet and
now you're in your place
The floor is slippery
the air is moist
You've just played the
bird game

Jaunty
DAG

Pearl Jam
Em Am G C

(Page 9)

"I've been there, I've been
the fifth wheel... I've been
the third wheel...I've even
been
the second wheel on a
unicycle"-McKelly

The Benevolent
Slum LORD

Grocerystore:
5 or 6 year old
Kid's tshirt
says "Waste Me"

(Page 10)

What is it About Me
That You Can't Teach?

"It's OK, I
sniffed it out earlier
and it smelled like
cola... okay that made
me sound like a total
boozehound"

-Blicker After Drinking
Mystery Liquid

The solution was
Your problem All
Along man. -Ryder

(Page 11)

The Never Ending Struggle
Between Man &
Frisbee beings again
today.

I wish I had 20
different costumes
right now.

"The women's feet are
shorter so they can
get closer to the sink"
-Brother Micah

Ellen Page:
She's kinda cute with certain
Haircuts

(Page 12)

Black Cobra
Shakes Down
A Genie

Wouldn't it be awesome if
we had a bunch of robots
and they were free?

Sergeant Sanguine &
The Bloody Nipples

(Page 13)

Our super psychological
shit, I'm telling you

Is it weird to wash
your hands with
Shaving Cream?

Bad Butter...
Smell the Butter

You owe every
man a ride

Natalie Portman stops
the Holocaust

(Page 14)

I'm not pissing man,
I'm thinking

You know what I'm worried
about. I'm worried that
I have a bruise.

Why is Adam asking
for Grease & a phone
book?

Sleepless in Seattle:
You got The Hanks
You got The Ryan
You got all you need
Forget About It!

(Page 15)

"Beer is Hope"

My Grandfather used
to call getting an erection
getting lead in your
pencil

I don't think I've
ever discussed
erections with my
Grandfather

You Know What
I'm Doin'?
L.O.T.D. Baby
Livin' the Dream

(Page 16)

Dylan Complaints:

Crippling addiction
to Hookers &
Gambling

Shaved his legs in the
Freezer

Other Names for Dylan:

Puzzles Skittles
Ladyfingers Champ
Chase Chance Sport
Skeeter Scooter
Sneakers Sweaters
Puddles Tickles Doodles

(Page 17)

Lizards!

This place is like
a Cat Stevens song

Mummy,
This table is too heavy
I don't want to
Live anymore

Southern Rock Band Names:

Mississticky Mud Fuck

Mudtucky Stickbull
Fuck Fight

I'm Lonely, Pass Me
The Fuck Mud

(Page 18)

Nothing ever literally
smells Funny
Things feel, sound
or look Funny but
they never really
smell funny...
Well, maybe laughing gas

I still wonder if
I'm going to hell
for tackling a blind
guy

(Page 19)

Lotion Party

Two Competitions:

Biggest Container
of Lotion

Most creative Lotion
Pump

Two winners will
serve as Grand
Marshalls in the
lotion parade.

Lotion parade: Figure 8 Pattern

All
masturbation
jokes
must be
organic!

Side Activity
1. New Shoes
2. Fill the Shoes
With Lotion
3. Take turns
putting on
Lotion shoes
and squishing
around

(Page 20)

Things are tough all over
Ponyboy

Eat a bag of baby dicks

I have a disease
where I cum
Barbeque Sauce

It makes lunch
a whole lot more
interesting

Is your chicken
too dry ma'am?

(Page 21)

Wheezing Laugh=
Glottal Whistle

Is that a gun?
Yes, I have target
practice at my
girlfriend's house
tomorrow morning

I find your lack
of Prince disturbing

76 Trombone &
The Lotion Parade

(Page 22)

Fuck You! I am obsessed
with Latin Culture!

posted by Rivers  # 10:35 AM 5 comments

Saturday, December 01, 2007

 

The Brand-X Incident

This morning at around 2:20 AM I went to Brand-X Pizza to pick up some food I had called in and ordered. The incident that followed saw a wave of misanthropy wash over me. The song "Political Science" by Randy Newman, and more specifically the line "let's drop the big one now," began playing in my mind.

Literally the second I opened the door the very first thing I heard was the following:

"You know who ought to be ashamed?!? You know who should be ashamed?!? The God-damned Democratic voters in this country!"

The guy who said it, nay yelled it, was standing in one corner of the store surrounded by his friends who were similarly clad in North Face and Mountain Hardware fleece jackets. He was rocking a high 'n' tight haircut which, last time I checked, isn't really in fashion with anyone except the guy next door who collects Nazi memorabilia and eventually shoots your dad in the head because he's a closeted homosexual. Therefore, I figured he was most likely in the military. This was later confirmed when he mentioned something about going to Dubai, but I digress.

When I saw the crowd, I dropped my eyes immediately. Given the fact that I've voted straight Democrat in two elections, this wasn't a good scene for me being jammed in a 10'X5' space with what I'll describe as a pack of drunken, racist, frat boy, conservatives if you'll pardon the redundancies.

When I got inside, I heard one of them say in a very slow and slurred tone "hey Big Momma". When I looked up, I realized that this dude worked at Momma Goldberg's, and The Big Momma is my sandwich, so... we were very distantly acquainted. This guy fit the other stereotype of a drunken frat kid with a silver spoon up his ass. Where as the first guy was certainly drunk, anger seemed to clear his mind and make him relatively well-spoken in short bursts. The other guy had turned into a drunken Truman Capote. The alcohol had softened and stretched his voice out and made him very touchy/feely on his bros. Despite this, you'd still get the impression that he'd be down for committing date rape at any point if the opportunity presented itself.

While making the aforementioned observations, The Army Man had started up again with the yelling.

"Fuck the hippies, fuck the environmentalists. I say we cut down all of the trees and make paper out of them and then burn it. You know what PETA is?!?"

Then his friend said "You're on a roll tonight, Lyle"

Lyle: "Fuck the hippies"

In another corner of the room, there was a guy who looked as if he smoked weed and played soccer both on a fairly regular basis, but not a "hippie" by any means. Lyle asked him, "Are you a hippie?!?" Before I could hear his answer, I noticed that Truman Capote was staring at me. When I looked at him, he said, slowly as ever, "Big Momma." I turned away just in time to hear Lyle, the guy who doesn't know where oxygen comes from, start up again:

"Fuck the hippies, fuck the terrorists. Seriously, what goes through your mind when you strap a bomb to yourself and think 'Today I'm going to defeat the U.S. Military,' what goes through your mind? What goes through your mind?!? A FUCKING MORTAR! That's what goes through your mind!"

At this point Lyle looked right at me, he was looking for an "Amen, brother" I suppose. Instead, I looked at the floor again, grinning to myself and waiting for what was next.

"I hate gay people! Fuck the faggots! I hate gay people. Do you know what they do? They stick their dicks in another man's butthole..."

What happened next in this sequence of events was incredible. Immediately, I mean without any pause, the very next thing out of his mouth after the word "butthole" was:

"...Can you do the flop?"

He then began doing "the flop" which, when performed in a very small room full of dudes, or anywhere for that matter, is the gayest thing I've ever witnessed live. For those of you that are unfamiliar with "the flop" as I was just 24 short hours ago, let me ruin your innocence with this instructional video:



So, now you know what I mean. He did that in front of everyone immediately after saying that he hated gay people, he tried to impress the men in the room with the squishy rattling of his genitalia. No need to check his straight card at the door.

Despite Lyle's act of kindness in the form of a traditional Buckhead, Georgia scrotum rattling, things were pretty tense in there for me. My food was still not ready and I was just kind of stuck there listening to this asshole, still being stared at by Capote who was making a steady and slurred commentary on the fact that I get my sandwiches without mayonnaise and tomatoes at Momma Goldberg's.

It was at this point that a young lady entered the store. She was smashed too; a barwhore with thick makeup, pumps, and a green dress. Her right leg crossed the threshold without incident, but her left was not so lucky. Her heel got caught somewhere along the way, and she fell forward past me and into the crowd next to me including Lyle and Truman. When she came back up, she asked people if they'd already ordered. When she got to me, I told her that I had not been served yet and since I had a call-in order, she would be behind me in line. This did not make sense to her. She said, "Why didn't you say that when... I asked before and you said that you had already ordered." Instead of telling her that she hadn't asked me, and that she was a rude, over-privileged, drunk, cunt that needed to be run over by a car, I just reached over her head while she was still talking at me, handed the lady $15 bucks and grabbed my food. Over the cries of "She's hotter than you, bro! Let her go first." I left as quickly as possible.


"...let's drop the big one now."

posted by Rivers  # 10:18 AM 5 comments

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

 

The Dog Wake

At Mellow Mushroom last Saturday night I was fucked over into closing after one of my coworkers didn't show up. I think someone in his family died, but still, it sucked.

So, at about 10:30 PM, theoretically my last run before closing, I took an order to The Small Animal Clinic at Auburn University.

Before I go any further, I should first say that I hate these fucking people. These are the assholes who call five minutes before we close and order tons of food on five or six different tickets. Most of the time at least four of the orders will be on different credit cards. One time we fucked up one of these peoples' orders by accidentally putting lettuce on a sandwich. I unknowingly delivered the tainted food and then drove all the way back to the store. Literally, the second I walked back in the door of Mellow Mushroom the phone rang and it was The Small Animal Clinic. The girl who received the sandwich in question told me that "me and lettuce don't get along". When I informed her that lettuce has no taste to it and she could just pick it off, she refused and we had to run another sandwich out to this bitch about twenty minutes after we were supposed to be closed. So, anyway, there's a history.

I got to The Small Animal Clinic and went to the door. It was locked, but before I could think to knock, a puffy-eyed girl appeared from an adjacent corridor and opened the door for me. When I got inside I saw a guy who was maybe two years my senior wearing scrubs and a Mississippi State University hat and coming down the hall. I greeted him, and he asked who the food was for. I told him, he paged the person who'd ordered the food, and walked past me and into the waiting room from which crygirl had appeared to let me in.

I put the food boxes down on the counter at the receptionist's desk and waited for the douchenozzles who'd ordered the food. In the room next to the door there were eight people sitting around crying and I stood there for a full ten minutes while the doctor (the guy in the MSU hat) explained to them that their dog had been hit by a car, all of its limbs were broken, and it was bleeding internally. He told them that the dog would not live for more than 24 hours and that they had the option of euthanasia. As soon as he told them this, the waterworks really came. At this point I was thinking, "Jesus, eight people is a little excessive for a dog wake... four people maybe, but no more than six."

As I was standing around watching these people weep and hug each other, I was growing increasingly more anxious to get the fuck out of there. Then, one of them looked at me. I had to think of something to say so I decided to lighten the mood a little bit in the most awkward way imaginable. With this woman full of sadness staring at me I said "Gee, this is the most depressing pizza delivery of my life". She buried her head in this other guy's shoulder and began crying even harder. Blessedly, a full ten minutes after they were called, the fucking assholes who ordered the food in the first place came around the corner and after the food cash exchange I left.

They tipped me $2.00.

Fuck The Small Animal Clinic.

posted by Rivers  # 10:12 AM 2 comments

Friday, October 05, 2007

 

Catching Up & WEGL Stuff

Jesus, it's been a really long time. It's been even longer since I've had a non-leaked-CD-related post, so I hope this one will be worth your time.

I've been getting behind on posting pictures on this blog and have instead been using Facebook which is such a shortcut, really. Sorry about that. I've got no classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I'm designating those as my blog days. I'm going to try and post at least twice a week from now until I get lazy again, so be on the lookout for some zany shit.

WEGL Stuff



Holy shit! The radio station has been getting better all the time since the beginning of the semester. We've got so many new folks on board with the WEGL it's unbelievable. The only bad thing is that of these new people there are a few folks that play really bad music like Against Me! and shit like that. The good news is that of this same group we have TWO big band/swing shows, plenty of classic rock shows, Kevin's show, Mosman's show, all the regulars are still there more-or-less, and "The EZ D & A.O.B. Show" which is fucking great.

Here's the next big thing and if you like the idea you are more-than-welcomed to participate:

Since the beginning of the summer I have become addicted to conservative talk radio. I can't help myself, I have to scratch that fuckin' itch each and every day. It started back in June when I was coming back from dropping the folks off at the Atlanta Airport. On the way home, I ran out of FM signal in Atlanta, so just for the fun of it I switched to AM and began scanning. That's when I found Rush. I had never listened to Rush Limbaugh before, so I thought "this'll be funny" and listened to the whole fuckin' show without even realizing it. Never in my life had I been so filled with such a profound sense of righteous indignation. This wasn't just regular righteous indignation, no, it was sustained. Next up after Rush was Sean Hannity, and, same thing, just constantly pissed-off for hours on end. It's a hurts-so-good kinda deal.

Rush and Sean were bad enough, but then I found Michael Savage. Holy shit, if you've never listened to Savage before, I urge you to do so. The show airs on NewsTalk 1400 WANI on AM and they simulcast WANI on FM in Auburn at 98.7 FM. Savage is on from 7-10 PM Monday through Friday. This guy is just constantly pissed and depressed and homophobic and self-conscious and racist and dumb all at the same time. It's fantastic. The thing that I've learned from listening to all of this is that these people have no script, no talking points, nothing. They simply sit down, cut on the mics, and go for three hours and in those three hours crazy stupid shit comes out of their mouths and it's glorious.

I couldn't explain my love for Conservative talk radio or justify it in any way. That is, until last Wednesday. Mosman and I have come up with the next big thing for WEGL 91.1 FM.

The Conservative Talk Radio Show

I'd love to make this happen. I'd love to write out a script for this, get my Limbaugh impression down, and then spend an hour or so blaming things that are beyond anyone's control (wildfires, hurricanes, celebrity deaths, etc.) on Hillary Clinton. We'd use Rush's phrases like "the drive-by's" (which is the shorthand version of "the drive-by media") and Michael's phrases like "the gay fascists" oh, glory, this will be fun. The best part is that since we're doing extreme conservative stereotypes, we can do extreme liberal stereotypes too. We need a guy who's milking the welfare state to call in, we need a guy who is a Unitarian and works at Planned Parenthood and every once in awhile will stop in mid-conversation and say "You'll have to excuse me, my glasses are fogging up". With this premise, the limits are none.

posted by Rivers  # 2:42 PM 3 comments

Monday, July 16, 2007

 

Wikipedia Photos

For those who don't know, I've been adding a lot of content to Wikipedia, mainly photos of stuff I have handy. Here are all the articles with my pictures on them:

Auburn, Alabama
Tallassee, Alabama
Waverly, Alabama
Loachapoka, Alabama
Gold Hill, Alabama
Wadley, Alabama
Notasulga, Alabama
Louina, Alabama
LaFayette, Alabama
The Bottle, Alabama
The Old Rotation
Horse Pens 40
The Atlanta Botanical Garden
WEGL 91.1 FM
The Dr. Rock & Capt. Fantasy Show
Of Montreal
Drive-By Truckers
Gene Ween
Earl Scruggs
M. Ward
Herbie Hancock
Ralph Stanley

Gabby La-La
Skerik
Grand Buffet
Convection Ovens

posted by Rivers  # 12:55 AM 1 comments

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