Here at Montevallo, I'm forced to read USA Today because it's either that or The Birmingham News, and I'd rather eat glass than read that bullshit.

Anyway, I've decided that USA Today, in addition to their utterly pointless illustrated graphs, is also the funniest newspaper in the world.

Most notably in the comedy department, USA Today provides us with a section called "Across the USA". This happens to be my favorite section. The idea is to take the main news story from every state in the union, and fit it all on 3/4 of a page. Today's edition of "Across the USA" was particularly hilarious. I will now share with you just a bit of "news" from all over the country:

Alabama:

A prisoner serving a life sentence and awaiting transfer to a state prison was inadvertently released from the Montgomery County jail last month and is still at large.

Arkansas:

State Senator Jay Bradford's eight year fight to ban bottle rockets in Arkansas fizzled in committee.

Michigan:

A man was charged with beating his mother to death with an electric guitar. Margaret Besola, 53, was found bludgeoned to death in her home, police said. Her son, Emil Batayeh, 29, was arraigned on a charge of second degree murder. Bateyah was previously charged with felony charge for attacking his mother with a barbell.

and finally, the best one...

Idaho:

A woman accused of scalping a 15 year-old girl in January will stand trial on July 13. Marianne Dahle, 26, pleaded not guilty to aggravated battery in a hearing last week. If convicted, she could spend 15 years behind bars. Police accuse Dahle of bringing the girl to Kirkham Hot Springs in January and scalping her for "a personal slight."