Thanks "Jessica"!

Upon reading my last post, a person known only as "Jessica" left the following comment on this website:

"DJ Ozz may be pathetic, but so are you. Didn't you graduate from high school last year? Aren't you attending college this year? Why do you care so much about what goes on at high school functions? I think it's time for someone to grow up."

Folks, this is a landmark in history. For the first time ever, a person that I don't know has slighted me on my own cyber-turf. With this distinct honor, I now join in the ranks with some of the greatest web-personalities of all time. I now sit on the highest E-Rung of the E-Ladder with the likes of Tucker Max; The Great, Maddox; and, my good friend, The Social Retard himself, Matthew P.

When I started Save Rivers in late February 2004, and then Phoenix Rivers last August, I envisioned, for both, a place where my friends could view themselves and their world, that of late-adolescent life, from another person's point of view. I typically achieved this through pictures and written recollections of things that people were too intoxicated to remember; though more so in the former. I could've never imagined the soaring heights that my site has, apparently, achieved.

Early on, my various weekend stories and random bitchings about George W. Bush, music, computers, and just life in general, garnered me some praise. However, the complements and comments always came from members of my target demographic: my friends. This wasn't unexpected, and was by no means unappreciated. I love having the friends that I do, and I take their input to heart. I made this website for my friends and myself; and did not expect for anyone else to care.

MOST BLESSED DAY! "Jessica" has proven to me that I am a necessary force in the E-Universe. Someone resting on their E-Laurels, surfing on an E-Wave of E-Compliments from E-Friends and E-Influences, has no place in an E-Society; and will quickly fizzle from E-Memory. In order to be E-Great, you must have E-Detractors. Well, today is a great E-Day. I have my first E-Detractor. I now know that people other than my friends give a fuck about what I think and what I have to say. "Jessica" took time out of her busy schedule read about my life. My God, I thought that my ego could grow no bigger, but it just has. This feels great!

Now I know what it feels like to be Jesus! Everyday, worthless plebians like "Jessica" read about Jesus' life. Some are even compelled to write responses to it in their theology books. "Jessica", you're the Jerry Falwell to my Jesus. How about that?

This is so much fun. I'm going to start my own E-Ministry like BroKen Lovett did. I'll be Jesus, but instead of the old message, I will preach salvation through committing acts of malice and tomfoolery.

Oh, "Jessica". You have me in the binds of a good ol' fashioned messianic delusion fit. You rascal, you!

Despite the fact that her "insult" has made me realize my greatness, I must, nonetheless, defend my reputation.

Our friend "Jessica" has a problem. She doesn't understand the nature of humor. "Jessica" asked me why I still concern myself with the affairs of AHS, this I say unto thee:

You see "Jessica", most of my friends, at one time or another, attended AHS. All of whom most likely remember that bald, shit eating bastard, DJ Ozz, from school dances, both past and present. Based on this assumption, I proceeded to craft, what I hoped would be, a humorous interaction between my words, and their relationship to the memories of people reading the post. If the reader knows who I'm talking about, and they think he's an asshole like I do, they will, most likely, be humored by it. That is why I concerned myself with the goings on at AHS, for the sake of humor. This entire website is meant to be humorous. If you don't think it's funny, then don't read it.

"Jessica", the only reason that I can divine for your not being humored by the post is that you are cold and dead inside. You are an empty shell, on the battlefield of...

HOLY FUCKIN SHIT!

I just figured it out. "Jessica" is really "Jessica Ozz". It's Ozz's fuckin' daughter, man!

(Also: "Jessica", before you type a comment saying something to the effect of: "I wasn't humored by the post because it wasn't funny", please consider putting your hands to better use. Is it really worth risking Carpal-Tunnal over a cliche comment like that? No, didn't think so.)

I've never been easily insulted, and I continue not to be. If you want to insult me, rape my mother for fuck's sake. You're not going to accomplish shit by implying that I'm a loser. Trust me "Jessica", I have enough friends to take over a small city, and most of them are crazy enough to try it too.

Despite the shitty comment made by this paltry whore of babylon, I still hope that she will take stock in this list of life-enhancing tips that I've made for her:

Jessica, The best thing that you can do for yourself is to HAVE FUN!

Have fun dating drunk, rich, and particularly boring trustfund kids all throughout college.

Have fun selecting one of them to be your spouse.

Have fun in your empty, meaningless marriage.

Have fun driving those 3 kids to soccer, Chuck E. Cheese, and the mall.

Have fun cleaning the house day after day without so much as a "Thank You" from anybody.

Have fun with your secret vodka and pill habit.

Have fun raising those kids for almost two decades; only for them to turn out bigger assholes than you and your husband combined.

Have fun finding out that your son is a coke fiend and an Atheist.

Have fun identifying your other son at the morgue after he gets drunk and crashes your $80,000 Lexus SUV into a telephone pole.

Have fun finding out that your daughter has contracted twelve different sexually transmitted diseases as a result of being the designated "booty call" for everything with a penis in the tri-county area.

Have fun at her funeral after she commits suicide.

Have fun when years of repressed anger, sadness, and disappointment finally come out during the weekly shouting match with your husband.

Have fun while you're unconscious on the floor.

Have fun getting your face stitched up.

Have fun lying to the friends you've bought; convincing them that you're just clumsy.

Have fun finding out that your husband has a mistress who works at JC Penny.

Have fun waking up from the coma that he put you in for three days.

Have fun in court.

Have fun when your ex-husband dies, and the alimony runs dry.

Have fun living in a one bedroom apartment.

Have fun when the kid that survived decides to moves in with you; all the while, buying and selling blow out of your apartment.

Have fun when that kid puts you in a nursing home so he can devote less money to your food and sustenance, and more to his ongoing cocaine habit.

Have fun during the Royal Oaks Retirement Village's famous Sunday afternoon domino tournaments, your biggest activity each and every week.

Have fun realizing that you are in your twilight hour; and you've accomplished nothing in your life. The only moment of happiness you can recollect, is that minute right before you decided to leave a comment on my website. That was a good moment for you.

Have fun dying sad, unwanted, and alone.

Have fun in hell.