I was reading this post over at Lots of Co, when my undying rage was, once again, rekindled. The source? DJ Ozz. Mr. Jones and Chandler, I guess, made a list of songs that they wish the DJ would play at prom. As much as I like the idea of mixing it up, musically speaking, at prom, unfortunately, it's wishful thinking at best. You see, DJ Ozz is the biggest loser on the planet. He is content to ride his wave of bullshit from here to eternity.

My problem with Ozz, and the music he plays, is very specific. I understand that there is a demand for him to play the popular songs of the day. Though I wasn't there, I feel quite certain that DJ Ozz played the song, "Candyshop", by 50 Cent at least once during the prom. Understand this: I hate the song "Candyshop" more than I hate Hitler. However, I understand that some people, for reasons that escape me, do like the song. Therefore, I understand why he played it. My real problem with Ozz is twofold.

One: Like I said, I understand that DJ Ozz has to play "Candyshop" to keep the drooling idiots that like this song happy. My problem with the man comes in the year 2011, when he's still playing "Candyshop". Don't know what I'm talking about?

Think about it...



There you go, Juvenile. Juvenile's 1999 hit, "Back That Thang Up". Notice that I emphasized 1999. Do you know why? Because that was SIX MOTHERFUCKING YEARS AGO! That stupid asshole is still playing that fucking song. That song was unbearable, at best, in 1999. Now it's just a sad joke.

DJ Ozz does not have his finger anywhere close to the pulse of America's youth. The man wears JNCO Jeans. He doesn't even wear the subtle JNCOs that just say "JNCO" on the side, and have an outline of a dragon or some shit drawn in orange plastic goo on them. No, he wears the full-on JNCOs. The kind that, in addition to said dragon, measure 30 inches in diameter at the base of the pantleg. Jacob Caudle was the last hanger-on in the JNCO fad, and his JNCOs went back into the closet sometime in late 2000.

Ozz is the most tragic individual that I've ever come across, and I hate him. Once I saw him at a dance. He moved behind those turntables, and green and red light reflected off of his glossy, bald, skull and directly into my eyes. The light gave me an epiphany: I must kill myself before I reached this man's age. Otherwise, there might always be the possibility that I would turn out to be the shadow of a man that Ozz is. Ozz hates the fact that he's old, and has lost touch with what's cool these days. Ozz plays songs like "Back That Thang Up" and "All My Life" by KC & JoJo to make the students in attendance feel old. Ozz hates you, and he hates your youth. He's trying to compensate for his own insecurities about aging by playing songs that were popular before you got into middle school. Don't fall for his bullshit. You've still got your youth, run with it.

Two: Last year I attended the AHS Prom. This was my last state-sponsored dance party, and I was ready to get down. As I danced and socialized, I tried to think of a way to make the prom a little bit better. I decided that the perfect thing at that moment would be kicking out the jams to a classic: Foghat's "Slow Ride". I was clamoring to see the looks on people's faces when Rod Price's squealing guitar and Lonesome Dave Peverett's voice came out of those speakers, and echoed across that basketball court. I was, very much, looking forward to rocking the fuck out to this timeless tune.

I approached Ozz with my request. Much to my surprise, he had exactly the song I was looking for. He promised to play it, and I believed him. What a fool I was. I stayed at prom for as long as could be expected. That asshat didn't play my song. He had it in his CD Binder. Among the discographies of KC and JoJo, The Spice Girls, and Juvenile; there it sat: a diamond in the rough, BUT HE DIDN'T PLAY IT! I was, understandably, crushed as I left the prom that night. Though I didn't stay the whole time, everyone who did told me that there was no Foghat to be heard.

A month passes. I've just graduated. After leaving the Auburn University Colosseum, where the graduation ceremony was held, I went to Project Graduation as everyone does. Not surprisingly, DJ Ozz was there. I confronted him about his failure to play the greatest song in history. He promised to play it before the night was through. A CURSED LIE! Once again, I believed him. Once again, Ozz took me for a fool. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, you get a razor blade dragged across your jugular.

This go around I won't get fooled again. I will be attending this year's Project Graduation. In my pocket will be a CD-R with one song on it: "Slow Ride". I will approach the sad old man at his booth, calmly drawing the CD from my pocket. I will then ask him, one last time, to play the song that he fucked me out of hearing so many times before. I am a patient man, so I will endure through "Candyshop", "All My Life", and "Back That Thang Up" in order to hear the masterpiece that is "Slow Ride". However, if that geriatric dick doesn't play "Slow Ride", at least once, during the evening his number will be up.

I'll meet him in the parking lot after Project Graduation has ended, and it's only he and I. The carnage to follow will be unfit for Christian eyes. I will go home and listen to "Slow Ride" on repeat until the police arrive. After dying in the intense shootout to follow, I will descend to hell with the knowledge that, by doing so, I avoided an Earthly fate more horrible than hell: the very possibility of becoming a pathetic soul like DJ Ozz.