(And Gone)



After being inspired by Lots of Co., Richard and I took it upon ourselves to throw a proper Festivus party.

Before the party began we had to ask ourselves one simple question: "What would Frank Costanza do?". First of all, Frank would hold Festivus at his house, but since no one has a real house, we decided that Festivus could be held at no other place than in the sprawling fields of Gold Hill, Alabama at an old classic: Madison's Cabin. We also decided that since the date matched the temperature (23 degrees, December 23rd) we really wanted to be in a place without any heaters.

Fortunately, the cabin was actually very crowded on the night of Festivus, and the extra body heat was much apprish. We got two fires going, one inside, one outside and then it was time to get down to the get down.



We had flaming TeePee and Ev'ry Thang



Soon after the rockin' n' burnin' had begun, I performed my toboggan trick (as seen here being performed by Trent). This is a very simple 3rd grade science experiment in which a person blessed with longer hair takes a toboggan, beanie, knit hat, etc. places it on his/her head and rubs violently. When they pull it off, by way of static electricity, the hair will stand straight up. Observe:







(Please excuse the shitty red-eye correction)

After fun with static, it was time for the first right of Festivus, the much heralded "Airing of Grievances". The elders of the Festivus delegation carried the traditional bare aluminum Festivus pole up to the loft where the congregation was congregated. The grievances began with a bang as "someone who doesn't matter" aired their grievances. Honestly, I can't remember who went first I just remember Trent's request that "someone who doesn't matter" should go first.



Anyway, overall I'd have to say that Richard had the best grievances, such as those against Matt, Conor, and especially his VERY peculiar grievance against Alyssa.

I believe that it went something like this:

Alyssa, I'm going to share my grievance with you in the form of an allegory. My grandfather used to catch alligators down in the Everglades for a job when he was younger. In order to catch the alligator he would swim up behind it, grab its jaws and wrestle it down. I feel like that's all you've got left in life. You're just waiting around for some strange man to swim up behind you, grab you, and domesticate you; and that's a shame.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around that one.

Although Richard's grievances were the best overall, the best singular grievance belonged to none other than Mr. Trent Kimmescam. This is the quote:

"Um, to all of you sophomores, I don't really know any of you, but it doesn't matter because you're all the same person."

It was harsh to say the least, but I still laughed my ass off, as did everyone else present after a short ooooooooooh session.



Conor got the honorable mention, I think. I can't really remember.

After the surprisingly therapeutic Airing of Grievances, it was on the final miracle of Festivus: "Feats of Strength". This is the closing ceremony of Festivus in which someone has to pin the head of the household in a wrestling match before Festivus can end. In our case, this meant that Madison would have to be pinned in order for Festivus to come to a close. After Miles left, however, the comers who were willing to wrestle Madison, and the comers who Madison was willing to wrestle were few and far between.



It was finally agreed that Richard, with hair still in static limbo, would be the one to close out Festivus for us on that cold December evening.











With that fateful pinning of the shoulders, only feet from a decaying cow patty, Festivus came to an end.

I can honestly say that I had a better time at our Festivus celebration than I've ever had at Christmas. I think that anyone with a soul and a good sense of humor would agree with me. Believe it or not, you might even learn something about yourself during Festivus. Unfortunately everyone just told me that they either had nothing bad to say, or that I was a huge asshole. Nothing I didn't already know unfortunately. Maybe next Festivus.