At Mellow Mushroom last Saturday night I was fucked over into closing after one of my coworkers didn't show up. I think someone in his family died, but still, it sucked.

So, at about 10:30 PM, theoretically my last run before closing, I took an order to The Small Animal Clinic at Auburn University.

Before I go any further, I should first say that I hate these fucking people. These are the assholes who call five minutes before we close and order tons of food on five or six different tickets. Most of the time at least four of the orders will be on different credit cards. One time we fucked up one of these peoples' orders by accidentally putting lettuce on a sandwich. I unknowingly delivered the tainted food and then drove all the way back to the store. Literally, the second I walked back in the door of Mellow Mushroom the phone rang and it was The Small Animal Clinic. The girl who received the sandwich in question told me that "me and lettuce don't get along". When I informed her that lettuce has no taste to it and she could just pick it off, she refused and we had to run another sandwich out to this bitch about twenty minutes after we were supposed to be closed. So, anyway, there's a history.

I got to The Small Animal Clinic and went to the door. It was locked, but before I could think to knock, a puffy-eyed girl appeared from an adjacent corridor and opened the door for me. When I got inside I saw a guy who was maybe two years my senior wearing scrubs and a Mississippi State University hat and coming down the hall. I greeted him, and he asked who the food was for. I told him, he paged the person who'd ordered the food, and walked past me and into the waiting room from which crygirl had appeared to let me in.

I put the food boxes down on the counter at the receptionist's desk and waited for the douchenozzles who'd ordered the food. In the room next to the door there were eight people sitting around crying and I stood there for a full ten minutes while the doctor (the guy in the MSU hat) explained to them that their dog had been hit by a car, all of its limbs were broken, and it was bleeding internally. He told them that the dog would not live for more than 24 hours and that they had the option of euthanasia. As soon as he told them this, the waterworks really came. At this point I was thinking, "Jesus, eight people is a little excessive for a dog wake... four people maybe, but no more than six."

As I was standing around watching these people weep and hug each other, I was growing increasingly more anxious to get the fuck out of there. Then, one of them looked at me. I had to think of something to say so I decided to lighten the mood a little bit in the most awkward way imaginable. With this woman full of sadness staring at me I said "Gee, this is the most depressing pizza delivery of my life". She buried her head in this other guy's shoulder and began crying even harder. Blessedly, a full ten minutes after they were called, the fucking assholes who ordered the food in the first place came around the corner and after the food cash exchange I left.

They tipped me $2.00.

Fuck The Small Animal Clinic.