Volume One
Not too long ago, I met a chap up at Montevallo by the name of Dave. One night, I took a trip over to Dave's abode. There I found Dave sitting on the couch watching
Dracula 2000 with his Neanderthal girlfriend. I took a seat on the couch nearest to the door. Almost instantly, Dave and I began swapping stories. I delivered my stories of Auburn favorites such as those of Preston, Darryl Kid (who Dave is somehow related to, strangely enough), Cannon, and David Simpson. Dave seemed to enjoy my stories, but somehow, I knew that he would have better ones. I assumed this based simply on his appearances:
This is as close as I could come to a perfect representation of Dave as he appeared at the time of our engagement. Take my word for it, it's pretty close.
Dave began telling his stories to me. As I listened, I became aware that Dave was actually a liar. Not an exaggerator, embellisher, etc. Dave was a straight out, balls to the walls
LIAR.
Dave and I spoke for two and a half hours that night, and during that time Dave told more whoppers than I could count. As badly, and as easily as I could've called him out on the blatant inconsistencies of his stories, I thought about this site and this very feature which I am sharing with you now, and I decided not to.
My idea for this feature is as follows: Every week from now until my
PERMANENT departure from Montevallo in May (God-willing), I will go to the house of Dave once a week and extract a bullshit story from deep within his psyche. I will then return to my computer and publish it on this very website. There's no guarantee for the length of each story, I will simply revisit what I heard on that particular night, and will republish it on this site as closely to Dave's actual words as I can come.
For this installment, I plan to relate three stories that Dave told me on my first visit to his apartment. Again, I remind you that from this point on, I am telling the story as Dave told it to me. That means that when I say "I", I'm talking about Dave. Just so you know.
The Cardboard Britney Spears Cutout
This one time we were eating in McDonald's, and my friend saw a cardboard cutout of Britney Spears, and he was like: 'Man, I just gotta have that.' So, we went outside and pulled his car around. Then we see him come runnin' out of the McDonald's with the lifesize Britney Spears cutout and a big bag of food. He throws the cardboard cutout into the car and hops in. Meanwhile we got McDonald's workers chasing us and we got cops flashing their lights and we just had to get out of there. I was going like 90 through my friend's neighborhood which was a 15 mile per hour zone. I also have a bunch of cops following me. So, I called up my friend and said 'open up the garage!'. So, I pulled into my friend's garage and he shut the door just in time to watch as four cops fly by the house still looking for the car we were in. It was crazy.
Datsun in the Outfield
Man, me and my friends used to work for the
Birmingham Barons. We used to do the craziest shit. Like, this one time, we had an old 1983 Datsun pickup truck that we used to haul sod around. That thing was a piece of shit. It was always breaking down, and the clutch always got stuck. So, this one night, my friends and I opened up the back gate to the baseball field and stole the truck. We drove it all the way into the very back of the parking lot. Then I revved it up and the tires started spinning. I was going 95 miles per hour when I ramped the pitcher's mound, took off 20 feet into the air, and landed that truck in right field with it's rear end sticking straight up. It was crazy. Then, the next day when I went into work the boss called me in to his office and asked why I had ruined the truck. I was like, "It was just my way of sayin' we needed some new trucks around here." Then, he was like, "You know, you're right." I didn't get fired or anything. It was awesome.
Retarded Andy and the Depth Charges
Did you ever pick on the retarded kids in high school? Man, I sure did. There was a retard who went to our school. His name was Andy, and he thought that he was the president of the United States. Every day he would walk around making laws and stuff, and we would tell him that people were traitors and needed to be executed. Like, this one time, we told him that some guy sitting at the other lunch table was a traitor and he poured banana pudding on his head. After that, four Hoover cops came in the lunchroom and put Andy in a straight jacket. He was cussing as they were carrying him out too. He was like, "Put me down you fuckers, I'm the president." It was funny as hell. Another thing we did to him it was funny as hell. Not that we really paid any attention to the guy's shitting habits, but after spending four years in the same high school with him, we learned that Andy took a shit in the same bathroom, in the same stall, at the same time every day. We used to call it "The Oval Office." So, anyway, my friend's dad is an Admiral in the Navy. He has clearance to any base at any time for any reason. So, this one time he gave my friend some tiny depth charges. They're like M-80's on crack. They're remote controlled too. So we went into the bathroom right before Andy one day, and flushed a depth charge down. Then we went into the next stall with the remote control and waited on Andy. He came in and sat down and started doing his business, then, right as he was almost finished, we set off the depth charge. It exploded the entire toilet, and Andy flew through the stall door and rode a wave of water and shit out into the hallway. He slid to a stop, with no pants on and a big piece of shit on his head, right in front of the principal. Then, the funniest shit happened, the principal turns to the secretary and says, "Laura, quick get help. The President is hurt!" God it was so funny that I could barely take it.
I hope that gave you some idea as to what kind of guy this is. As a fun activity, you should all read through these stories again and point out various inconsistencies in the comments section. I think I've found most of them, but there could be more.
I hope you've enjoyed this, the first edition of Dave's neverending saga.
